Mars Rover ‘Curiosity’ is Prepared for Missionary Opportunities on the Red Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Curiosity trudges slowly, tirelessly searching for God’s children, not even stopping for the Sabbath. “But then what?” asked Bob Silivan, president of the Mars Mount Olympus Mission and chairman of Every Rover a Missionary. “Are we supposed to just let these newly found investigators keep living their life, completely ignorant of God’s plan and God’s love for them? That’s not what Christ taught.”

To aid the missionary effort on the red planet, Curiosity is equipped with QR codes that Martians can scan with their smart phones to receive free copies of The Book of Mormon. The rover is also equipped with printed pass-along cards so investigators can call long-distance for more information about the Gospel or can request missionaries to visit their rust deposit or weird rock formation. Unfortunately, because of the weight of the printed cards and expense of rocket fuel, Curiosity’s supplies are very limited. Advanced software allows Curiosity to compute probabilities of whether Martians are just being polite or are genuinely interested, allowing the rover to decide whether to give or to be stingy. Upon finding sincere interest in the restored gospel, Curiosity can even give all four of the missionary discussions.

Curiosity is working to improve his teaching of the gospel. The robot has been critiqued with missing the human element in his lessons. “It sounds forced and dispassionate at his best, and at his worst he nervously starts beeping and acts out his favorite R2-D2 scenes from Star Wars. It really distracts from the Spirit,” said one evaluator.

rover teaching
During training, two Elders nervously glance at each other as Curiosity struggles to convey concepts like “unconditional love” and “salvation.”

Indeed, not everything has been smooth sailing. Possibly due to solar flares or a glitch in the programming, problems arose when Curiosity began performing unauthorized baptisms on some apathetic alien microbes. In the end, the rover was unable to find a font of liquid water required for baptism by immersion, and his brief stint in disobedience has since been reprogrammed with repentance and a renewed zeal for spreading the Gospel. President Silivan even hinted towards a possible future leadership position.

“If life is found that is interested in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, then we hope to be there before NASA,” said one church authority. “Elders are fine for breezing through the lessons and handing out pass along cards, but when it comes to really putting the pressure on for baptism, there is nothing like a stone cold robot. The field is ripe and already to harvest. And what a spiritually filling harvest this will be.”

Ward Pledges to Make All Sacrament Bread and Water Organic and GMO Free
After Controversy, Duck Dynasty Will Move to BYUtv in February
  • Nando

    Truly, the work of the Lord cannot be inhibited. Did any of us see this day, when even those who did not have the blessing of being born on our own Earth have the opportunity to repent and come unto Christ? The work is progressing, brethren, and prophecy is being fulfilled.

  • William Evertz

    QR codes require internet access. If Martians had internet access, they’d be already be reading the BunYion. This story is BUSTED.

    • Taylor Larsen

      I am sure the writer used smartphones as a reference point. Martians can probably read QR codes independently of electronic devices, but we will have to wait and see once more join the church

  • dba.brotherp

    This is wonderful news! I know this shows a lack of faith but I have two questions. 1) How will martians pay tithing? We all know the lords preferred currency the the American greenback so how will this all work? 2) How does one determine the gender of a Martian? This is something we need to know if Martians are to get the priesthood.