Ward Pledges to Make All Sacrament Bread and Water Organic and GMO Free

OREM — The detrimental health effects of foreign animal hormones and unnatural proteins should not be the only concern regarding GMOs; many members of a small Orem ward feel it’s a grave moral attack as well.

One passionate High Priest from the ward explained, “Agriculture plant products deserve a stable home with love, kindness, and freedom from Satan’s artificial gene splicing influences. GMOs are a direct threat on the traditional nuclear family that has shaped our society for millennia. Confused plant children are questioning why they are so much less productive and resistant to disease than their shunned, genetically modified friends. We are forced to wonder, does God love these mutant plant children less? We don’t know. We hope so. What we do know is this lifestyle of living with artificial genes is contrary to God’s plan. It is repulsive and morally wrong and we will (compassionately) stand against it.”

“It’s not just plant morality that is under attack,” said BYU biology professor Mark Chaddington. “Preliminary reports also show that eating these strange, foreign genes will twist and mangle the genome of God-fearing people, much in the same way that sin twists and mangles the spiritual genetic code. These resulting genetic changes include an increase in skepticism, rational thinking, doubt, as well as a possible increase in flamboyance.” Professor Chaddington ended by saying that eating GMOs leads to “Basically everything scary.”

GMO Zombies_compressed
The world laughs and mocks (background) while unsuspecting children eat GMOs and develop astigmatism and skin lesions (foreground).

This report falls in the shadow of the groundbreaking announcement from General Mills last month, when they promised to free their products from the darkness of GMOs. “We were very disappointed that Cheerios beat us to the punch on this one. We are saddened that General Mills was the first voice of moral guidance when we are led by spiritual giants in Salt Lake. Our church leaders strive to be on the forefront of moral integrity, and we won’t be beaten again,” promised Bishop Mark Thomas.

Thomas also explained the pragmatic details of the change, “This whole initiative will be spearheaded entirely by the young teachers who prepare the sacrament each week. Hopefully all the mothers of the teachers quorum will be guided by the spirit on their Saturday night bread-buying choices, and be blessed with revelation and guidance. Because we’re not super sure what we are afraid of exactly.”

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  • William Evertz

    GMO = God Made Oblations.

    • Taylor Larsen

      Are you supposing a new sort of GMO? I think the general membership would approve.

      • William Evertz

        It is time to sanctify the the term! “God dwelleth not in temples made with hands, neither is worshiped with men’s hands.” “Let thy food be prepared with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect. …Do these things with thanksgiving, with cheerful hearts and countenances, not with much laughter, for this is sin.”