SAN DIEGO — Frequent beach-walker Jeffrey Sanderson looked back on his life and noticed it was his own footprints in the sand during his most challenging tribulations, not the Lord’s footprints as he had previously believed.
“I noticed the distinctive sole print of my size 10 green and blue clog-style Crocks. I knew the Lamb of God would never leave His house wearing Crocks.”
Sanderson reported feeling “really hopeless” about messing up his taxes and missing out on $13.67 on his return. He also felt “bummed out” after weeks of browsing LDSSingles.com and only getting messaged by “ugly chicks.” He thought that, unlike the famous Christian story, his Lord and Savior had abandoned him on the sandy shores of life.
“I mean come on dude, filing your tax return was not the hardest trial of your life,” the Lord Omnipotent said defending His controversial decision. “And seriously just go update your LDSSingles profile. Use more pictures of you flexing in the mirror and list all the extreme ‘hobbies’ that you’ve done once. Money and dates don’t just fall from the sky. I live up here. I know.”
The Lord also went on to explain that during Sanderson’s tribulations, there had been literally thousands of people searching in vain for their car keys who would have been late to important business meetings without His assistance.
The Good Shepherd also commented that He disliked walking in sand because “it’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.” The Mediator did add that He still carries people through the sand when they really need it, like when they need their triple chocolate birthday cake and rocky road ice cream to “nourish and strengthen their bodies.”