New Dermatological Study on Mormons Gives Scientific Reason for Self-Righteousness

PROVO—A new study published in Tuft University’s Journal of Pseudo-Scholarship and BYU’s Digital Universe has shed new light on the so-called “Mormon glow,” claiming that Mormons have a higher skin quality than average.

Mormons, usually suspicious of science, were quick to embrace scholarship showing how LDS teachings made them look more attractive than those not of their faith. “I always thought we were better than everyone else, but now science proves it,” said Dean Chizzik, a student at BYU.

“Boom,” said one King Henry resident sporting a flat-brim Vivint hat. “Science just confirming what me and my bros have known all along: Mormon chicks are hot as hell.”

Four happy Mormon girls
“The field is white already to harvest, as they say,” said the King Henry resident. “Emphasis on the white.”

Some faculty and staff felt the study couldn’t be true after seeing the faces of so many BYU students.

“Good skin? Psh. I saw a kid with a permanent sunburn from his mission in Nicaragua,” said one professor. “Not to mention all the kids in computer science with bags on bags under their eyes. There’s no tan quite like the one brought on by a pale monitor in a dark, musty basement.”

Although some disagreed, many believe the frequent use of essential oils and other multi-level marketing skin care products contribute to the “bright countenance” of Mormons cited by the study.

“Here I was, thinking they were total suckers for buying all that crap from NuSkin and dōTERRA,” said Draper resident Ashley Summers. “But now that ‘Mormon glow’ is all the rage, I guess I’ll have to buy some too.”

“I remember my friend Lucia Escobar, a sweet, Lamanite girl from Mexico, who stopped using dōTERRA about a year ago,” continued Summers. “It was so sad. All at once her foundation went away and she grew dark and loathsome in complexion. But I guess it serves her right for leaving the true path of essential oils. And, you know, for not being white.”

Although essential oils and healthy living are key contributors to a beautiful complexion, some researchers are still skeptical. “Let’s not be too quick to discount the merits of being white and living in the suburbs, away from dermal parasites,” contends Dr. Merrill Abagnay. “If you want a fair complexion, there’s nothing quite like being white and driving to school in your dad’s Audi.”

Others see the study as proof that missionary work will continue to roll forth.

“Much like Proactiv acne wash, missionary work will cover the face of the Earth,” continued Summers. “Leaving it in its pure, white, delightsome state without any blackheads.”

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