PROVO—A disgruntled BYU student formally filed charges yesterday against the on-campus Taco Bell after an “uneventful” post-taco bathroom experience.
“We all know what we’re getting into when we eat there,” Joe Pacer, a junior at BYU, said. “You don’t just order a couple of XXL Grilled Stuffed Beef Burritos and expect to walk away unscathed.”
When the time came, Pacer reportedly squatted over his fragile apartment toilet and braced, literally, for the worst. The worst never came. Pacer described the experience as “clean, well-formed and aerodynamic.” That’s when he knew something had gone horribly wrong.
Paced continued, “I spoke to my lawyer about what happened and he thought we had no case, no evidence to support foul play in the food-making process. I told him to go look in my toilet, there’s the evidence. When you drop a football, it falls; when you touch a stove, it burns; when you eat Taco Bell, you spray that toilet with a pesticide Terminix would invest in. If that doesn’t happen, someone has got to pay. Our case is as solid as that brown trout was.”
As a result of the ensuing lawsuit, a poll has been conducted aimed at determining whether this has been an isolated incident or not. The results show a calm before a most certain legal storm.
“I knew something was different, my pooping experiences have been nowhere near as life-threatening as they used to be,” one student said.
The poll also revealed that the changing aftermath of Taco Bell consumption is not limited to the bowels of the young.
“Of course, I always plan for explosive diarrhea a couple hours after eating there. It’s just… how things are. It’s nature. I don’t know how they prepare their food and I don’t want to know. I was happy in my ignorance, but a change like this makes my sphincter pucker,” an anonymous BYU professor said.
An investigation of Taco Bell is currently underway and stool samples have been taken from several self-proclaimed victims, including Pacer.
“The world is constantly changing,” Pacer said. “But Taco Bell was my anchor. I just want answers. Please. Please help.”
If you have information that could contribute to the investigation or if you yourself have been experiencing unusual post-Taco Bell bowel movements, please comment below.