Mormon Researchers Declare Portugal Lisbon Best Mission in the World

SALT LAKE CITY — In a shocking declaration made today by LDS mission experts, the Lisbon Portugal mission was awarded ‘The Best Mission in the World.’

“We thought it would be a close call with a few of the Japanese missions,” said Chief Data Commissioner Dallin van Overbeek. “However, with the Lisbon missionaries getting to rub it in the faces of the Brazilian missionaries that they learned Portuguese and went to Europe, it was really no contest.”

Conducted over the course of twenty-four grueling months, the research included quantified elements of linguistic relevance, foreign intrigue, and probability of awesome stories.

“Based on those three elements, we quickly ruled out all U.S. and Canadian missions that were purely English speaking,” reports Van Overbeek. “A few missions in Texas ranked highly and so did that Farsi speaking mission in Canada. However, after we conducted post-mission studies, we discovered that potential mates quickly lost interest when they heard that these missionaries never left North America.”

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“During our research most people couldn’t identify Portugal on a map, which really added to the foreign intrigue,” said Overbeek.

Overbeek continued, “We also noticed that most mission presidents called to Lisbon were far superior to other presidents. Mission presidents in Portugal are estimated to be 63% more wealthy than all other mission presidents. Returned missionaries from Portugal were similarly determined to exceed the righteousness of other missionaries by 15%.”

Erik Judd, who received his call to Lisbon earlier this month, was ecstatic to hear the news. “I really wanted to get baptisms, but I also didn’t want them to be too easy like my friends in Mexico or South America. When I tell stories of struggle, I really want people to believe me. And Portugal’s in Europe, so they pretty much have to believe me.”

When asked whether only the best and most prepared missionaries went to Lisbon, LDS authorities declined to comment, but Elder Teixeira of the Quorum of the Seventy did wink before saying, “Being righteous never hurt your odds of getting called to Portugal.”

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  • dba.brotherp

    The lord’s missionary program is program of order. The righteous go to Lisbon while the fence-sitters go to Idaho.

    • possecomitatus

      I think your scientific method is incomplete! The Geneva Switzerland mission has all the good qualities you mentioned plus it covers more than one country, greatly enhancing the mission experience!

      • dba.brotherp

        I don’t see what so-called “science” and their so-called “method” have anything to do with the church. Sure, the Geneva Switzerland mission may (according to the world) cover more than one country and sure, the Swiss gave us Swiss Miss hot chocolate (the #1 chocolate used in gift bags) and Ricola and amazingly precise time keeping pieces. But in Lisbon, Portugal you get to speak Portuguese which is sort of like speaking Spanish except with out all the excess American political baggage.

      • cverdeman

        When I served in Portugal the Lisbon South mission included the tiny island nation of Cape Verde. So we’ve got you beat there as well… 😛

        • Dale Larsen

          Cape Verde has its own mission now, but Portugal still has the Azores and Madeira… so yeah, cool rare island experience. Can’t be beat.

  • Scott

    The Portugal Lisbon mission is the highest degree of mission glory. Any other mission falls short. They may be great, the harvest plentiful, and the work strong, but of all the missions served in by the children of men, none is greater than Lisbon. Força Lisboa!

  • Adam Johnson

    This is pretty dumb and messed up. I hope you guys seeking for glory are only joking.

  • Alexandre Albino

    It’s the only mission where you can find Elder Batman