Church to Build Theme Park to Accelerate Missionary Work

SALT LAKE CITY—News outlets have recently announced that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is now the largest land owner in the state of Florida, owning 2% of the state’s total land area. While many speculated the church would use the land for farming, Enoch Pratt, a church representative, confirmed that, in fact, they plan to build the largest amusement park in America.

Pratt said that “no unhallowed hand, especially that of a struggling economy, can stop missionary work from going forth. We thought an amusement park would show the world that we are no different from them. We do, in fact, use electricity and we also like to have fun occasionally. We hope this project will increase interest in the church for generations to come.”

The new amusement park will include the fastest roller coaster on earth, Hie to Kolob, which will take riders from 0 to 100 miles per hour in “the twinkling of an eye.” The park will also include an amphitheater with a capacity of 21,000 spectators that will feature presentations by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, as well as Broadway musicals such as Wicked and The Book of Mormon Musical, an LDS favorite.

The "High to Kolob" roller coaster was given the green light ahead of shooting riders into space.
The “Hie to Kolob” roller coaster was given the green light instead of shooting riders into space.

“I am so happy to see the church is advancing in unbelievable ways,” said Mia Maid, a Mormon girl, “I never thought I could spread the Gospel and have fun!” Maid is most excited about the mini golf course that will feature temples from all over the world. “They even have a life-size replica of Jerusalem in the ride Escape from Laban. I can’t wait to bring all my friends!”

Pratt also indicated that the park will offer discounts to families of twelve or more, in addition to those who have completed 100% of their home-teaching for a year. He says, “This project will help the work in so many ways. If a testimony of The Book of Mormon or Joseph Smith can’t get them to believe in the Church, then we hope this two billion dollar amusement park will.”

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  • Taylor Larsen

    What are they going to call it?

    • Chris Cheney

      Not sure about the name, but their slogan should be something like “Park, all ye nations.”

    • Chris Cheney

      BYU-Florida. “The world is our amusement park.”

    • Ammon Miller

      The Land BountiFun!

    • Bird

      Zion. “Come to Zion…come to ZION…” Could be their theme song 😉

    • dba.brotherp

      I have I brother, who knows a girl, who is dating a guy, who’s father works at the Church Office Building. So I called him and he said that the name of the park is going to be “Curelom and Cumom’s Excellent Adventure Land.”

  • dba.brotherp

    What wonderful news!

    I am sure members will be bustling with excitement as the sign up rolls for volunteers to serve at the theme park’s numerous rides, concession stands, and janitorial services are passed around the local priesthood and Relief Society meetings.

    • Johnny Bocchetti

      They don’t pay you pray…

  • Bailey Gleason

    This is by far the best one! I think it could get very punny 😉

  • Ronald Reagan

    Funny stuff—not a legit story—but funny stuff

  • EteU Spencer

    This is an opportunity for work for me as a choreographer/videographer that will revive my struggling career. This screams of opportunity!!!

  • EteU Spencer

    ZION THEME PARK!!!!!

  • Israel

    I’m not sure I like my tithings going for that…too much money that only the ones over there will enjoy..

  • Guest

    Somebody took “my body is a temple” too literally.