LDS Church To Run Government During Shutdown

WASHINGTON - As an answer to the government shutdown crisis, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced that Church President Thomas S. Monson met with President Obama today with one single proposal: “The LDS Church will run the government during the shutdown.”

President Monson outlines major changes for his one day as interim President.
President Monson outlines major changes for his first day as interim president.

Change #1 – Flat Tax of 10%

The change would have huge approval ratings on both sides of the isles. Congressman Larsen McFray (R)-MO said, “We love the flat tax idea. I’ve been pushing to let the theocratic LDS government take over forever*, and I hate Mormons.”

“I’m all for the LDS government,” said former presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “Especially if that 10% taxes thing is true.”

Change #2 – Assitance Programs to be Run by Home/Visiting Teaching Initiatives and Fast Offerings

The interim government announced that Medicaid and Medicare would be replaced by home teachers or visiting teachers. In addition, Food Stamps, Unemployment and other government assistance programs would be funded through fast offerings.

“So if this is true, the people I would home teach would actually want me to be there?” questioned Utah resident Chip Maclemore.

Change #3 – Foreign Relations Policy: “Every Member a Missionary” 

Nearly every single U.S. foreign entanglement will be solved under the “Every Member a Missionary” proposal which plans on sending the missionaries into current hot-spots all over the world.

“We were excited, to say the least, when we heard the Syria, Damascus Mission was opened,” said 18-year-old LDS missionary Terry Wilson. “I’ve been in Syria for just a few hours now but it has been great. With the way things are going, I won’t be surprised to see Bashar al-Assad baptized by Saturday.”

After Meeting with President Monson today.
After meeting with the missionaries, Assad was noticeably more happy. He also apologized and repented for “that whole gas thing”.
Assad before meeting with President Monson.
Assad before meeting with the missionaries

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Official LDS Church spokesman Jonathan Behan noted that, even with all these changes, Nancy Pelosi would still not be allowed to attend the Priesthood Session of General Conference.

 

* – To join the campaign to change over to the theocratic government permanently, visit the website www.LDSUSA.gov

  • Guest

    If only :)

  • Phillip Coleman

    One could only hope…….!

  • Jason

    It’s posts like this that make Mormons look stuck up and prideful, and I’m a Mormon. I recommend you take this down.

    • Michael Lim

      Guys its a joke! I personally feel it makes us seem like we have a sense of humor.

      • Brandon Holbrook

        I agree, this is just poking fun at ourselves. Sometimes you have to look in the mirror and laugh.

    • Harrison

      No its posts like yours that make mormons look unintelligent and lame. I’m a Mormon, and you need to learn how to laugh.

    • ThatisThat

      Seriously? A spoof article makes us look prideful? Check your mirror Oh High horsed one.

    • Dennis

      mormons just get butt hurt easy..

      • Taylor

        people in general get butt hurt easily. Why do you think the whiny government shut down in the first place. Goes back to the elementry school days, “I’m not playing with you anymore!” and they slam the door shut as their public display of childish rage.

      • Tina Marie Jackman Shepherd

        everybody gets but hurt, its all about the love …..nobody always does anything///

    • http://jstephenperry.weebly.com/ Stephen Perry

      http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/3100000/why-so-serious-the-joker-3122768-1024-768.jpg

      Seriously man, chill out…you just made yourself look like an idiot on a website that is clearly a play on The Onion, which is a site dedicated to satire.

    • airwad

      boooo!!!! someone has a stick up their a**!

    • airwad

      Jasons got a stick up his you know what. smile, boyy!!! be happy!!! enjoy a joke!!!

    • Angela

      It’s ok for Hollywood to make Mormon jokes but Mormons can’t make Mormon jokes?? Come on, we just want a part of the fun too.

    • tweedmeister

      Why do you not believe the news? Why must you distrust Mormonism? Hater!

    • Amber Lee

      Wow! You are totes awesome! Seriously. . .

  • Aaron Smith

    Do you realise the first image was also used a few years ago with the title President Monson present President Obama with his geniology. Such lies are unbecoming of latter day saints

    • Harrison

      Do you realize (spell check) that this whole article is a joke?

      • Dennis

        realise and realize are correct.. if you’re from North America it’s realize, anywhere else it’s realise..

        • Grammar Nazi

          Okay, if we’re really going to address the spelling/ grammar in Aaron’s post we should do so completely. 1) Questions should end in question marks. 2) President Monson PRESENTS, not present. President Monson is only one person. They present, he presents. 3) Genealogy, not “geniology”. 4) He has rather ambiguously referred to the lies that are unbecoming of Latter-day Saints. Are you referring to this article or the previously mentioned one about “geniology”? 5) Sentences end in periods. 6) Seeing as the internet was invented by Al Gore, everything on the internet should be typed in North American English. Thus, “relize” is the correct spelling.

          • Dennis

            it wasn’t to Aaron’s post, it was to Harrison Mr. Guest.

      • mandapannts

        “Realise” is how they spell it across the pond. It’s not misspelled anymore than “Colour” would be.

    • Taylor

      This was the first time I’ve come across this site. The picture of President Monson presenting Obama’s genealogy was the first thing that gave it away to me that this was a joke article. It’s a bit unfair to point at the author with lies and un-saintliness, just as it would be to say Dane Cook is an awful man for saying he wanted to go to a party just to crap on peoples coats, or that he would be naming his children after transformers (which has never been confirmed he’s done either). This entire site “the bunyion” is dedicated to twisting stories to a comical view, of sorts. Nothing posted here is intended to have any validity or seriousness to be sourced as true.

      • Ashleigh E. Moreno

        One of my son’s middle names is “Vader” (he has two.) It totally fits him too! =]

    • Taylor Larsen

      Please don’t troll, Aaron.

  • Carsten Buus Nørgaard

    i lol’d.

  • RyanRuger

    I guess some folks don’t know what “The Onion News” is.

    I think this BYU Bunyon Equivalent is genius, hilarious, and brilliant. The only reason people get cranky is because they have secret desires that some of these stories were true.

    • Taylor

      Either they have secret desires that some of these stories were true, or they’re part of that vast group of people that take everything they read online literally.

      • willis

        Didn’t you know they can’t put anything on the internet that’s not true.

        • Ben

          Seriously… Abraham Lincoln said that…. And he would never lie! I read it on the internet!

          • cb88

            Abraham Lincoln also carries an ‘assault rifle’ under his stovepipe hat… I heard about it in a music video.

    • wanderingalien

      Yeah or some people don’t know what satire is!

  • Dennis

    funny or not.. once the media gets a hold of this and turns this around people will frown upon the church and think of the church as another “controlled” religion looking to control the government.. there is nothing humorous about this..

    • Harrison

      Why are people so dumb? Its called satire, and it is funny. Anyone in the media who “gets a hold” of this and runs it as a story would look like an idiot, kind of like the people here who can’t take a joke.

      • Dennis

        maybe LDS humor is a lot different that others..

        • Dennis

          awesome let the butt hurt continue.. keep it coming..

    • ThatisThat

      You realise that they do that whether we want them to or not right? Or did you miss all the stuff that went on against the church when Romney ran?

      • Dennis

        I was to busy being deployed and making sure my brother came back home with me..

        • Dennis

          whoever voted down for this.. you’re welcome..

          • William Evertz

            Please tell me you fight for your country and not the media. The gospel will stand on its own two feet and on God’s side. The media hasn’t even a leg, no matter which side of the political spectrum.

          • Dennis

            I never fought for the media.. I don’t fight for this country anymore.. especially for the people in this country..

          • nater2525

            Then you shouldn’t have fought at all. In fact, why did you join the service at all, if not for the country and its people?? That’s why most go into the armed forces. You join knowing you can be deployed at anytime to fight for this country. Sounds like you are extremely self-absorbed.

          • Dennis

            Apparently you didn’t read my other post of “making sure my brother came back home with me..”

          • Seini Vea

            agree

          • nater2525

            You only wrote it out of spite and pride – trying to prove your superiority over another. Most soldiers are humble enough that they don’t need to brag about their service to our country, nor belittle persons who exercise their right to vote, which is what your duty is, to protect that right, is it not? If your sense of duty was in the right place, you would not sneer at the importance of elections and the right of the citizens to vote. Were you too self-absorbed to think about the election of the next President, and its consequences? One who could influence, if not out-rightly dictate where you, and all soldiers, would spend time in combat, and their future, as well as our whole military? Did you neglect your duty as a citizen to vote?

          • Dennis

            first off I already knew I was going to be deployed anytime, second I’m not a soldier and speak for yourself about soldiers being humble you must not get around very much if you live in Utah. Apparently you also do not know how the military works in voting for the next President. Our votes have never counted while being on deployment and the only ones who know that are the ones who were deployed. Details in short they have told us go online to vote, but we did not have the luxury of wifi or comcast fast internet. There were no “absent ballots” and you can call me a liar or whatever I’m not going to be butt hurt over that, but you will never know what military persons go through so everyone else can do what they want to do. I was not a citizen in the military and you probably will never understand that and stop calling all branch of military soldiers for that is what an ignorant person calls the military. Almost every Marine on the ship wanted Mitt Romney to win, but none of us could vote and I’m not going to explain why we couldn’t vote because a sheltered American citizen like yourself wouldn’t understand. My sense of duty was in the right place because it’s not about the country and you will never understand the brotherhood of the military. And you are correct and thank you for putting words in my mouth of why I wrote this. Only through spite and pride. Now go FOXTROT UNIFORM CHARLIE KILO yourself..

          • nater2525

            Go get FUBARed. I’ve got plenty of family and friends who have fought for this country – none of them were selfish about it like you. They never felt the need to mention their service at every opportunity.. And it is all about serving one’s country. If you were not fighting for this country, then you’ve no business being there. THAT IS THE OATH YOU TAKE!! (In part – “I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support
            and defend the Constitution of the United States against all
            enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and
            allegiance to the same – ) If that wasn’t your sense of duty – YOU LIED UNDER OATH.

          • Dennis

            alright cool dude.. just hope you have an awesome day..

        • ThatisThat

          While I appreciate your service, trying to guilt me (not working) isn’t going to change that people already have sour opinions. And if they can’t tell the difference between a joke and reality then we are already doomed.

    • http://jstephenperry.weebly.com/ Stephen Perry

      If there is nothing humorous about this, then you clearly have no sense of humor to begin with.

      • Dennis

        thank you..

        • Jason

          I don’t think they were agreeing with you. You are being stupid. The media is not going to take an obviously fake story posted on a mormon satire site and run withit.

          • Dennis

            I know they weren’t.. like he said.. I clearly have no sense of humor to begin with.. mormon humor is different that others..

  • James T. Reynolds, Sr.

    We can joke and laugh(laughter replaces a sour disposition) but the day fast approaches. Our Nation may no longer be the greatest on earth but I still believe our land is choicest and prepared.

    • tweedmeister

      You’re Canadian, aren’t you? Yes, I agree. Canada is the choicest and the prepared… prepard… prep… The most prepared of all nations.

  • Wendy Davis Rich

    HA!HA!HA! Very funny!

  • sjroberts23

    I don’t like BYU at all – but have to admit this is pretty clever :)

  • Freggles

    You do realize fast offering is progressive, yeah? Meant to give all you can afford to.

    • http://www.nephi-malit.com/ Nephi Malit

      Yeah, and if you don’t pay your “fair share” a couple of high priests show up at your doorstep and tell you you’re getting audited.

      Charity is not wrong. Fast offerings are not deducted from your paycheck, or enforced by armed officers. Progressive taxation, which is basically forced charity, is closer to what Lucifer proposed as an alternative to the Plan of Salvation, which was “security for everyone at the cost of freedom,” in this case the freedom in question being economic freedom.

      • jimhale

        The federal income tax has nothing at all to do with Lucifer or the Plan of Salvation. The income tax is called progressive, and it is, but it was a lot more “progressive” a generation or two ago, so lighten up.

  • Buzzards

    Imagine what would happen to the welfare rolls if your needs were determined by a local bishop, who then sent you to the storehouse, and if necessary, cut checks for your bills rather than just giving you a cash payment.

    • wanderingalien

      Yes, and made sure you exhausted all other resources before doling out those checks. You have 8 designer hand bags and you’re asking the church for money? Ebay those Louie Vuttons and then we’ll talk! Cancel all those subscriptions to People magazine! So many welfare recipients are living such a high life of luxury, it’s irritating.

      • Angelia Melissa Ford

        I don’t have any of that stuff and i don’t have cable. When my mom passed away i was willed her laptop. Be careful that you are not committing your own sin. Judge not lest ye be judged or have you forgotten. Not reaching hard but finding he who is without sin cast the first stone. I feed and house my child with 1200. a month I have no luxuries or special anything. The few things I have i received when my mom passed away. maybe you should rethink your judgement. by the way I avoid asking the church for assistance, My character flaw is pride what is yours. I know the church is true and I believe in our prophet. and our heavenly father. So I will not let behavior like yours pull me from the church. My heavenly father gives me and my daughter what we need when we need it.
        angelia ford

        • Taylor Larsen

          Angelia, I think wanderingalien is making a generalization about the people who they have seen use the welfare assistance of the church. Most of the people I met on Church welfare were in a very similar situation to the one she described above. That is a reason that the comment doesn’t apply to members like yourselves who work hard for what they have.

        • wanderingalien

          Angela. My post was not meant to be a judgements merely a statement as to why church welfare is a success compared to government assistance. Gov assistance is easily abused and I think that is a shame because it makes things more difficult on those who truly need it for necessities. Anyone who doesn’t believe there is waste and abuse is either ignorant or hasn’t witnessed an EBT card being used in a casino like I have. Sorry if I offended, that was not my intent.

          • LaNae

            We have seen them pull out money, pass the cash to the next person behind them who in turn buys boos, wine, or other beverages not allowed by wic or food stamps.
            Hard to get those images out of your mind and not think the worst of people who are on government assistance when you witness these things over and over first-hand….

          • Tina Marie Jackman Shepherd

            i like the saying….dont judge me because my sins are different than yours…hehehehe

          • Tina Marie Jackman Shepherd

            wouldnt it be great to u a the people recieving welfare monies, like they do at the job interviews….things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

        • David

          Angelia, I think the point to take away is that there is a lot of abuse of the system, which makes it even harder for those who legitimately need the assistance to get it. I also agree that the government should verify the need prior to just cutting a check, and those checks should go straight to the end receiver, not to the person receiving the assistance. If they need food, give them food. If they need Utilities paid, pay the utilities directly. If they need clothes, provide them clothes. With a little bit of reform, the welfare system could become a great thing with limited abuse, just as it is in the church.

        • Dan Franco

          God Bless you and yours, Angelia Ford ! I promise you that if you continue to hold fast to the Iron Rod, what you may not get here will be given to you in so much greater amount for Eternity, later…

        • Amber Lee

          He wasn’t writing to you. He was talking about the US welfare program in general. I know lots of people who proudly sign up for every program they possibly can and even go from church to church asking for assistance. Going on programs is their career. They spend their days in this line or that. They refuse to get married because that means less free money. All the time they are in their free house, eating free food and refusing to buy a car (sometimes owning a car will lose you the benefits) they get their nails and hair done and buy the fanciest clothes they can. They have the best cell phones and have the nicest liquor. Women on WIC give their extra free milk to their friends or sell it for profit. Before I get called racist, I met people of all races who lived this lifestyle. There is an entire community in New York City that live this way. They even divorce to get benefits but secretly live together. When the social worker comes around, the man has to quickly leave. (I knew a girl who lost her benefits because they found a man’s clothes in her house. ) Oh and their babies wear $70 Nikes! All of these are people I knew personally. I used to have a job where I cashed government checks. (no one in the ghetto has a bank account!) I went to school with some of them. It is hard to avoid in some places in the South.

          Poverty is a state, not a culture!!

      • Dan Franco

        Again, we Bishop’s have had to deal with these challenges since the beginning, and certainly, the Bishop’s Storehouse is there to provide emergency Food Supplies and will always exist to help insure there are no hungry among us…
        But those that partake of these offerings are encouraged to go Work at the Storehouse, Cannery, and places where the Church has farms, etc., to help pay for the good given, And most importantly, this work helps keep Self-Esteem, which we all know is so fragile when we become ourselves, “needy” for anything, right ?? I Love this Church !

    • Dan Franco

      If everyone really tried to adhere to the words we hear often in that sacred place – “return and report”, a lot of the ills we have today would naturally go away.. Oh yeah, when was the last time we actually called and reported our Home Teaching/Visiting Teaching to our leaders? :) Yeah, I know; we can all always do better… Myself included…

  • Suzanne Stella Trout

    hahahaha, love it, where do I vote?

  • Barbi Anderson

    This was totally cute. Needed the laugh after listening to all the bickering on TV news. But in all seriousness, the government could use a few lessons from the church on how to run things. We have a great welfare system (want food? community service required). Flat tax (tithing) is fair to everyone. Everyone is treated equally, no matter how much you make.

    • wanderingalien

      One thing I love about the church welfare system is it encourages self-reliance as the eventual goal. To receive any sort of assistance, you have to exhaust all of your own resources first. If the government ran welfare that way, things would be so much better. “You don’t have money to pay your power bill? Well, let’s take a look at your finances. I see here you spend $120 a month on satellite TV. Well, let’s just cancel that and problem solved.”

      • Dan Franco

        Anyone that has ever been a Bishop has had that conversation with the Saints that found themselves in financial binds. You really need to take care of Life, not Lifestyles… It was hard to have that conversation with our brothers and sisters, but in the end, it worked out for the best and clearly confirmed the Truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church…

    • SAM BARNETTE

      WELL SAID SISTER ANDERSON

    • Curtis Mitchell Rasmussen

      Actually, Barbi (and with all due respect–and not to bring any bickering into this…) a flat tax is NOT fair to everyone. I would ask that you run through the math here to see how it doesn’t work for a poor person’s income. Let’s suppose an average poor family makes $2000 a month and another family makes $10,000 a month… each with five people in it. The poor family pays $200 on a 10% flat tax scale and the other pays $1000. On it’s face it looks fair. It leaves the poor family $1800 and the other $9000. Now, in reality in order for the flat tax to work the poor family would ALSO need to have it’s overall expenses be less, but, the only thing that tends to cost less is the rent or mortgage (if the poor family even has one). On the other hand, the cost for raising those children is NOT less, but on par with the $9000.00/month family. Additionally, the necessities of life are the SAME price as what the $9k/month family has to pay. For both families (mom, dad and three kids) food would cost $500 to $600/month. Utilities cost about $400/month. Car and health insurance cost about $$600/month. Phone is about $150/month. And then suppose that gas costs about $100/month. But, we haven’t even included the need for car payments or transportation, medicine, clothing, school expenses, entertainment and savings–and if we did you can see that the poor family is in the hole. THIS is the reality of things. Hence, although a flat tax sounds good it penalizes anyone who makes less than a certain amount due to the reality of equally high costs elsewhere.

      • Tina Marie Jackman Shepherd

        the pioneers did it!

      • jimmy green

        In your argument you are suggesting that the quality of life for all people should be the same, when it is 1) not guaranteed by the Constitution and 2) not the government’s business to decide in the first place. It is not the government’s position to decide how to live life until it infringes on the rights of others’.

        There is no doubt that a percentage of Americans need help, but the government is the last place I’d choose to administer it.

        • Curtis Mitchell Rasmussen

          Please don’t put words in my mouth. No where do I argue equality of anything. Re-read it. I am pointing out the 5th grade math that shows the flaw in the 10% flat tax that ends up hurting the poor. In theory I’m ALL for the benefits that could accrue from a Flat and/or Fair tax, but I am against the flat tax due to the cold, hard facts because it hurts the poor on it’s face.

          However, I agree that the way our government serves (or enslaves) the poor is an abomination. I spent enough years trying to fix it to know first how how horrible it is and HOW nearly impossible it is to change.

          But, the fact remains that the poor are here to stay (from the mouth of the Lord Himself) and we are charged with their care no matter how much we make. Hence, if we don’t like the government handling it so badly then we MUST step in and bring about the change in order without hypocrisy.

          • Lucy

            It still does not change the fact that you’re saying “it’s not fair” after you’ve done that 5th grade math. It’s is fair. Those more fortunate are supposed to help “the poor”. A flat tax would create the “equality” and “fairness” unless you’re throwing in the “well they have more so they should have to pay more bit” (ie – it’s not fair). So everyone pays their fair share…flat tax..you pay the same as me no matter what my or your conditions may be. If I have more money once it’s all said and done, I help out those that are less fortunate. That is the “we step in and bring about the change” without the government having to do it for us. Someone will always feel picked on be it rich or poor if they work on percentages of what you have. It’s not the governments job to ration things out. It is the peoples job to do that.

          • Stephen

            When did this turn into an argument? Find somewhere else to complain.

          • Lucy

            Who’s complaining? Plus, I don’t think I was DISCUSSING this with you anyway.

          • Stephen

            Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. I was supporting what you were saying.

          • Gina

            Wow!

          • fatnoobus@hotmail.com

            my family has lived the 10% flat tax rate our whole lives never making more than 23k a year supporting 5 people. never hurt us

      • Spectreracing@ymail.com

        In that case you should not live beyond your means. Simple as that.

      • frilamma

        10% is not a flat tax rate. Telling everyone to pay x amount of dollars is a flat tax rate and unfair in your example. 10% is a flat percentage rate and is relative to your circumstances.

        If two familys (5 members each) have different monthly incomes then they will undoubtedly have to adjust their lifestyle to match their monies. The 9k a month family could probably afford the $150 phone bill, so that means the $1800mo family should get a phone bill that is cheaper maybe only have one phone line ($50 mo) etc…

        Proper budgeting of your money means to break expenses down into a percentage,
        35% for rent/mortgage
        5% for phone bill
        10% for electric,gas,sewer
        etc..

        I have 3 children and a (stay at home wife) to provide for and realize that If I have a 4th child I will not be able to support them all, I need to be responsible in my choices and think about the future so we refrain from another child. If my wife wants to conceive a 4th child I told her that she will need to get a job. simple as that.

        and one more thing, the whole reason the 10% tithe works in the LDS church is because the members pay it with humility and a realization that they are blessed with what ever they have and so are eager to repay to the Lord (church). If you come into it thinking that 10% is a tax and its unfair then there will be problems.

        • beawesomeb

          Not to cause marital problems for you as you obviously must have some from your comment as putting how many children you have upon your wife as she doesn’t just comment that “if you had a 4th child you should get a better paying job.”

          However if what you say is true in humility and realization of tithing you would also realize that the same is true for children and that if you had the same faith that believing that any children God sent to you would also provide a way for them to be taken care of.

          Were it entirely math as you say then it wouldn’t be mathematically sound to pay tithing or have children at all.

          Child birth is at an all time low. And yet everyone in the world has so much more then their great grandparents did with less children? Therefore I can only assume that people have the same flaw in their thinking: (that children are related to money) (of which they are not.) This is why many poor families have many, many, children and wealthy families have few children. And yet God cares for all his children. Some where there must be a problem in Faith. So much so that the church is putting out videos encouraging us to become parents and to have no fear in it. “God gave us time- to be parents.”

      • Jon

        That is why most flat tax plans have a minimum amount. For example, the Forbes plan was 0 tax on income up to $50,000 per year (this can be adjusted with inflation and number of people in household), then anything over $50,000 per year is taxed at the flat rate.

      • scalpel

        I agree. A fair tax is a bit more equitable, with all consumption taxes balancing out the equation a bit. No algorithm is perfect in any case, and we should be okay with that if it’s kept simple and consistent. Otherwise we will be legislating weather modification so that everyone has the same climatic conditions as well. Oh wait! I think that’s what global warming is all about! Now I get it.

  • Jonathan

    stinking mormons… ;)

    • William Evertz

      At least we can make our own soap. ;)

  • Nisa

    Hilarious! Thanks for that.

  • kathy welch

    this is hilarious. thanks for making me laugh.

  • Ashley

    Riggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttt.

    • William Evertz

      Noah and God.

  • Linda Ann Sheldon

    What about discipline that is done in love and with trying to help you rather than just merely punishing you and worse severely traumatizing you????

    • momsaid

      Yes. That’s what the Church does. To what were your referring?

      • William Evertz

        Umm… IRS?

  • Pacificblue55

    10% flat tax, generous fast offering, missionary fund, need all retirees to become service missionaries to take the place of all paid employees.

  • Virgil Tyler Oertle

    I know this is meant to funny but…..even hinting at a fake baptism of a man who has been directly responsible for 100,000 plus deaths shows the lack of understanding on the part of the author…keep the funny stuff…ditch the dead people forgotten bit..

    • Ashleigh E. Moreno

      I would think that he needs God in his life more because of his actions (let’s be real here: God says we are all equal as sinners.) Are you implying that God would not forgive this man if he were sincere in his confession and turned his life around? I believe that our God loves all people equally, no matter their crimes, and would welcome anyone back into the fold.

      • Cathy Smart

        yeahhhh, right along with our “friends”, Adolf and Charlie!

      • Guest

        Hey, let’s not get carried away with the satire. Just let me remind you that there are unpardonable sins. Shedding innocent blood is one of them.

      • Aubrey Denton

        Hi Ashleigh! So, I can’t speak for Virgil, but to me that doesn’t seem to be what he is implying. Of course God loves all people equally. But that kind of repentance would require such sincerity that to some it’s not funny to light-heartedly joke about it in a spoof article when so many people have died, y’know? I could be wrong, that’s just how I take it.

    • Clint Haglund

      Check your eye mate, I think you’ve got a mote in it. Wait dang it…now I have a beam in my own eye.

    • Dan Franco

      So, some do not have the opportunity to Repent ? I believe with all my hear that the conversations between those that have done much harm and the Savior are always open and those that do come and truly Repent are now patiently waiting on the Savior for His forgiveness..

      • Aubrey Denton

        Hi Dan! So, I’m kind of cutting and pasting a bit from a remark I made to someone else, but I just wanted to point out that Virgil didn’t say anything specific about repentance at all. I could just be dabbling with semantics here, but to me, his point is more that making jokes about it is not appropriate to some people, in light of the many that have died. Making light of the deaths of so many people in the phrase “that whole gas thing” was in poor taste, regardless of the doctrine of repentance that may be applied to Assad. I certainly agree with your testimony of repentance! I just don’t feel that that’s what Virgil was addressing. Just my thoughts!

        • Dan Franco

          Hello Aubrey -
          Thanks for your feedback. I get what you are saying on behalf of Virgil..
          Cheers !

  • LaBranson

    SOOOO wishing this was true! But ah well… Thanks for the laugh though :)

  • Lando

    We thank thee O God for a Prophet.. :)

  • Guest

    Repenting about “the whole gas thing”? That is in extremely poor taste and offensive. I like satire, but this is way off the mark.

  • Jfurtz

    Bahahaha!!! That was hilarious. And Nancy Pelosi still won’t be permitted to the Priesthood Session.

    • filivalea piuleini

      what to you mean by that?

  • Loretta Smith

    This is delightfully entertaining! Thanks for the giggle, Samuel!

  • gerald

    the sad part about this is that a lot of mormons would actually believe this is true…

    • AmericaForever

      Please, speak only for yourself.

  • Angelia Melissa Ford

    I don’t mind the satire it is funny, But i was reading through the comments under it was it funny to judge the poor. was it laughable to suggest that we take that one gift from the sick or deceased relative and get rid of it because we are poor we don’t deserve it. I think you should come live on what I live on and see if you can do any better than I. I recycle old clothes. buy used for my daughters christmas and we don’t have cable or any of those other things. I got my laptop when my mom passed away. I have no problem with the smugness of our members as long as they know what they are talking about. I avoid asking the church for help because my sin is pride. What is you sin if you are judging me because I regrettably am poor? I love heavenly father and I believe the church is true. I know President Monson is the prophet and this site makes us look pompous and arrogant. Send it to the prophet and see if he would find it funny or slanderous and wouldn’t want to be connected to it..

  • unknown

    this picture was taken back in 2009 when Monson met with Obama and gave him geneology books. this ruins credibiliy

  • unknown

    Get off Yalls high horse if this is a joke espicially if its falsifying quotes from well recognized people

  • DallinB

    This would be nice, but totally false. My basis is from the very picture. I’ve seen it before when President Monson was showing Obama his family history. The author just doctored it up into this article to make it seem legit.

  • satan666

    why the f would nancy pelosi want to go to the priesthood session? also, i would rather starve and die than allow visiting teachers inside my home. just sayin.

    • JesusTheRockstar

      HAHA good point. You know more about the LDS church than I do. You da man, Satan.

    • AmericaForever

      You are an obama voter. I can tell by your ignorance.

  • Nec gen

    Whether this is true or not What I know is that LDS members are assured of the assistance from the church thru its welfare program a perfect program of the church.

  • Else Karin Weiberg Sælen

    A good laugh, and a big, big wish for it to be real!

  • jaminjimmy101

    if obama ops barak insane likes this. it’s not of god it’s man made religion. even jesus said in red religion is man made so no to this. yes to JESUS CHRIST!

  • Melanie Seven

    Oh, hell yes! I mean, can you imagine what a better country we would have if most federal employees worked for free… soldiers had to pay their own way… each taxpayer had to sign up for a shift to clean the federal bathrooms… civilians are stopped at the door of each federal building and told to dump their coffee out and cover their knees and shoulders… no women in paid positions… people applying for federal loans are asked, “Are you wearing the federally mandated underwear both day and night?” before approval… People applying for welfare are told, “I’m sorry. You are not eligible for welfare since you don’t give 10% of your income to help the government build a mall.”
    Mormons REALLY don’t realize what buffoons they look like to the rest of the world.

  • Melanie Seven

    Oh, yes! I mean, can you imagine what a better country we would have if most federal employees worked for free… soldiers had to pay their own way… each taxpayer had to sign up for a shift to clean the federal bathrooms… civilians are stopped at the door of each federal building and told to dump their coffee out and cover their knees and shoulders… no women in paid positions… people applying for federal loans are asked, “Are you wearing the federally mandated underwear both day and night?” before approval… People applying for welfare are told, “I’m sorry. You are not eligible for welfare since you don’t give 10% of your income to help the government build a mall.”

    Mormons REALLY don’t realize what buffoons they look like to the rest of the world.

    • AmericaForever

      You still don’t understand how the church works and you still make deceitful comments and you are asking the Mormons to get real?

  • Ron_Madson

    Love the Bunyion! However, in all seriousness if we might want to know the reality of how our church spends our donations–what percentage goes to relieving human suffering versus the PR message. So let’s return to Full Financial Disclosure that we had for 128 years before going dark…

    http://bycommonconsent.org/

  • Mose Kalepo

    really why are endorsing a leader who be accuse of mass murderer

  • Chutiya

    Visiting and Home teaching???? Are you kidding me??? do you know the percentage of HT and VT in the church?? its lower than 20% if reported honestly.

  • Matthew Scott

    From looking at many of the comments, its too bad that people get upset over your satire. It is obvious to me this article plays as if it were reporting fulfillment of the well known prophecy about the Constitution hanging by a thread and being saved (if possible) by the elders. I even had a friend who sited that as his reason to become a lawyer, so he could be prepared to be part of that effort! I don’t think he realized its fulfillment would be through the rank and file elders of the church actually living the principles of the Constitution when the rest of the nation was no longer willing or able to do so, not by the legislative prowess of a select few.

  • Kara Sammons Spoon

    I was hoping it was true :(

  • Heather

    This would only be okay as long as it is voluntary to do like the church is voluntary. Would not want to compel with force people to be home teachers, missionaries, pay fast offerings etc. Let people keep their agency that an entire war in heaven was fought over like the church does.

  • sundayschoolteacher

    And what about the countless lessons that teach not to make fun, as offense could easily be taken, even when offense is not intended? This article as an example of hypcoritsm at its finest, and will provide me with a perfect example to use in my lesson this Sunday on how members ought not to act. Let’s strive harder to be true examples of the believers shall we?

    • Wendigo

      What is this joke article making fun of? Sheesh, when you people start writing your own doctrine…

  • Dan Franco

    It is always great to stop and have a good laugh !

  • Sonnie Benson

    I LIKE THE IDEA, BUT I DONT THINK THAT (CHANGE 2) WOULD WORK. IN FACT IF THOSE PROGRAMS HAD TO RELY ON FAST OFFERINGS, THERE WOULD BE ALOT OF PEOPLE DO WITHOUT.

  • Sylvia C

    This would have been funnier if it wasn’t riddled with spelling errors! Spell check, people!

    • William Evertz

      Oh My Grammar Nazi! Someone spelled one word wrong! (and then spelled it correctly in the following paragraph.)

      Special Prize for who can spot the word first!

  • lindairish

    I love it.

  • Mehayye

    And imagine, each day includes invocation and benediction. O:-)

  • jacquelyn hernandez

    this was totally hilarious. I enjoyed this.

  • Mike_418

    I know it’s a joke but seriously…… NO! Terrible idea!! Keep your cult out of my government!! This is called america, land of the separation of church and state. You treasonous dogs need to keep to yourselves, let’s not forget early mormons were supposedly required to swear an oath of revenge against the united states.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oath_of_vengeance

    Mormons have enough problems just being honest with their own members. Just ask the leaders why Joseph Smith had so many different versions of his “first vision” (you can check for yourself online). Why was the final canonized version of his vision penned so many years after the fact? Why does the church try to hide the true process of BoM translation from it’s members? IT’s a fact that Smith used a “peep stone” (or a crystal ball as it’s sometimes called) when “translating” the BoM. It was by placing the stone in a hat, and gazing inside, that he claimed to see the correct letters of the text appearing on the surface of the stone. This common folk tradition, popularly called “scrying”, was very popular in the 1800′s. These superstitious people really believed it was a good way of contacting angels and other spirits. (It is also well known that many other people besides smith had claimed to have “received” books through this same method, and ironically most christians would consider it a form of black magic).

    I personally think the church knows this stuff is embarrassing, and that many members would leave if they realized how silly it all is. They go to great lengths to keep this stuff from people. In fact, in Smiths time black magic was especially popular. Seances and mediums regularly duped people out of their money. Smith is known to have carried many talismans and divining rods on his person. He was himself a convicted criminal years before he decided to even start the church. His crimes involved defrauding people into believing that he could locate buried treasure by looking into his peep stone. People paid him good money to do this. His method involved looking into the stone and telling people where to dig. When they failed to find the treasure in the location he named, Smith would often use the excuse that it was because god was mad, and that he must have moved the treasure to another location. Smith was actually arrested and stood trial when people accused him of being a scam artist. This was years before he claimed to have located the gold plates.

    Smith was always very interested in talking to angels and other paranormal stuff like that. Personally I don’t believe in any of this superstitious bullcrap, I am an atheist…. Incidentally I have never met a single sane person, or person not under the influence of drugs, who told me they have talked to an angel or a ghost or anything like that. Science has never proven the existence of things like ghost and angels. Many of what mormons and christians believe is in direct contradiction to known facts. Facts like evolution and archaeology. In light of what we know about Smith, he seems less like a prophet and more like a run of the mill crazy person. A superstitious dupe of which there were many in the 1800′s. Although he seemed to genuinely have believed in his ability to talk with angels, and so did many others. Smith really stole his temple rituals (or “ceremonies” the mormons call them) directly from freemasons. He claimed god told him the correct way to perform these ceremonies, and that they were the same ones performed in the real life temple of solomon, back in Israel. So he altered them a bit and reintroduced them into his religion. This is absurd because not only are they pretty identical to the masons ceremonies, but we know for a fact that these practices do not resemble anything close to what the historic jews practiced in their temples. Smith claims to have restored a priesthood which never really existed in history. The whole idea is based off silly superstitions like magic powers, and angels, and priesthoods. It’s silly. This means that the “restored” priesthood is nothing but a masonic rip off, and not a new revelation from on high. Now before someone wants to tell me this is anti-mormon propaganda, let me assure you that I am myself a mormon. I have spent my life researching where my family comes from and why they have invested many thousands of dollars over the years. I was very surprised to learn it’s a cult, a scam. I was upset at first, and hurt over the lies… but now I feel liberated. Religion is mental slavery.

    http://www.mormonthink.com

    Smith’s court records http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon430.htm

    Smith’s “black magic” paraphernalia http://undergroundnotes.com/graphics7/josmithm.gif

    • William Evertz

      Mike, I’m afraid you’ve been a victim of the 21st century dupers. How do I know? Because half of your terminology is wrong. A “peep stone”? Actually two, “Urim and Thummim”. A hat? Actually a breastplate with two half bows that support the stones at eye level. This information is in literature provided by the LDS church, so they aren’t trying to hide it. Anything you write afterwards is taken with the same inaccuracy. You should really vet your sources and/or proofread your claims.

    • lisacolorado

      Apparently when you left the Church your sense of humor went with it.

  • Mourinho

    Thanks Mike. Of course, when you state that you are a Mormon, that is not completely true now is it my friend. If we were to apply the same standard to your statement as you apply to Joseph Smith, we would need to declare you a charlatan out to deceive others. Many of us have also examined the evidence you present and come to very different conclusions than those you draw. I find it interesting that you have apparently dedicated your life to going to every site that might attract Mormons to spread your message of “liberation”. It seems to me that you are still chained to the LDS religion in ways that drive your life. I wish you all the best in becoming truly free of the shackles of religion some day be it through finding faith or finding the freedom of leaving it truly behind.

  • tweedmeister

    Thank you for your serious take on issues relating to Mormonism and the government. I learn so much from reading your website and am glad to see the prophesies coming to pass. I believe that LDS high priest Harry Reid is called of God to save the constitution that is hanging by a thread. May we all be ready to uproot our lives and move back to Missourah in the Last Days.

  • Regan Simkins

    I so wish we could get this done!

  • filivalea piuleini

    this thing will make the world better and prepare for the second come of our dear heavenly father

  • Amaralis Rosado

    se dan cuenta como es q nuestra verdad debe llegar a todo el mundo??? ojala escuchen mediten y pongan en practica

  • geoffpace

    This is proof positive that the Good Lord has a sense of humor. I mean,he made us, didn’t he?

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  • Irina Gordeeva

    =)

  • tui

    This is the best news I’ve read since 2008!

  • Stanmore Pasina

    i knew this gonna happened..i sustain Thomas.S.Monson..thats from the Kingdom of Tonga..

  • Erecsen Perez

    that’s not true because pres. monson is only presented the family history to President Barack Obama . here is the link .. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/family-history-presented-to-president-barack-obama-by-church-president-thomas-s.-monson

  • Lobo06

    People, the whole thing is satire. please.

  • Helen H Gordon

    Good idea. Now let’s see if the Mormons can get congressional fillibusters limited to
    two-and-a-half-minute talks.

    • William Evertz

      or maybe elect more High Priest speakers?