West Valley Youth Discovers Sacred Ark in Attic

West Valley City – It seemed a little bit too movie-like.

Stephen Tisdale was astonished when his lifelong friend, Ben Norton, touched what appeared to be a fancy, old trunk and turned into a pile of ash.

The two boys were playing a round of General Authority playing cards in the attic of Tisdale’s house, believing that playing in the attic was the “most celestial spot”, as it is the highest room in the house. During a fit of righteous indignation, a “Holy Writ” James E. Talmage card was flung behind a supposedly antique relic. When Norton moved the gold-laden trunk to retrieve the precious card, he first appeared to simply vanish.

Tisdale, age 13, thought that Norton, age 12, simply hid behind the antique ark to spook him. He searched to find his lost friend but only found a large pile of ash.

“I was scared and didn’t know what to do, so I went down to find my Boy Scout handbook,” Tisdale said. “I tried to revive him the best I could but he was just a pile of ash.”

Tisdale’s mother Allysen said they had bought the relic at an auction for old Hollywood movie props while visiting family in the Los Angeles area. It was even signed by Stephen Spielberg which drove the item into the expensive range. She wouldn’t reveal how much was paid for the piece as she is awaiting the appraisal of the Ark so she can pay her full tithe after selling it.

Plated in gold, the Ark went for an astonishing $12 at the Hollywood memorabilia sale.
A similar Ark, also plated in gold, went for an astonishing $12 on Craigslist last Thursday.

Johnson said, “We’re holding Tisdale in juvenile detention while we sort things out. We are also handling the evidence with extreme caution. We don’t want a crime scene investigator falling victim to involuntary cremation if Tisdale’s story turns out to be true.”

When asked why her son didn’t fall victim to the same fate as Norton, Tisdale’s mother replied, “He must be a Levite. He hasn’t gotten his patriarchal blessing yet; we’re waiting until bail is set.”

West Valley Police Chief Derrick Johnson said that this is the most plausible “my-friend-just-turned-into-a-pile-of-ash-because-he-touched-the-Ark-of-the-Covenant” death the department has seen.

"There was no CGI at all used in Raiders of the Lost Ark; that guy really did have his face melted off," said Steven Spielberg.
“There was no CGI used in Raiders of the Lost Ark; that guy really did have his face melted off during filming. We just decided we would go with it,” said Steven Spielberg.

The community has rallied together with this historic find and the loss of one of its members. Instead of a candle-light vigil, neighbors have announced a block party movie night. The feature film will be, you guessed it, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Norton’s sister Jessica said, “I’ll never watch that movie the same way again.”

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  • jo

    Did the GA trading cards also go up in the conflagration? Are they available? Why do I still not see a kickstarter for these cards? And exactly how many points are the Jos. Smith Jr. and O P cards? IS there an FDLS add on set or will that make people go up in flames also??

    • William Evertz

      In a brief follow up jo,
      Stephen did say that the deck they were playing with belonged to Ben and doesn’t know of the whereabouts of his remaining cards. However, with a little genealogical research we found that Ben was a descendent of Martin Harris and previously had lost 116 cards of his deck. The remaining 34 cards were apparently sealed up unto the Lord.

  • dba.brotherp

    Surely, this 12 year old boy must have done something awful to deserve the “turn-to-ash” punishment, which punishment is the greatest of all punishments. I suspect that he probably was patient zero in the recent deaconitis outbreak.