More High Profile Excommunications Expected to Follow

SALT LAKE CITY- Ever since the the New York Times broke the story last week that well known Mormon doubters Kate Kelly and John Dehlin face Church discipline on grounds of apostasy, faithful Latter-day Saints have been anxious to know who will come next and fulfill the infamous “Rule of Three.”

“Celebrity deaths always come in threes, even celebrity spiritual deaths,” said Marvin J. Rasband, noted Mormon blogger and historian. While it’s not official Church policy, Rasband says that Church leadership does tend to follow the rule very closely. “It was originally supposed to just be the September Three. They really only wanted to ex the feminists, but then they had to take care of Paul Toscano and they knew they couldn’t stop at four, so they picked a couple other scholars to make it an even six.”

With only two high profile excommunications announced thus far, the Bloggernacle as well as the #TwitterStake have been buzzing with rumors as to who the third could be.

"I've got my money on Joanna for sure," said Tippets. "She's asking way too many questions."
“I’ve got my money on Joanna for sure,” said Tippets. “She’s asking way too many questions.”

While many on social media are expecting Church leadership to censure Joanna Brooks, an outspoken Mormon feminist, most experts think it would be very difficult for the Church to go after her at the same time they discipline Kelly and “still keep the whole ‘we’re not sexist, we love women’ thing going,” says Deseret News reporter Dave Tippets.

"He's a Democrat? I thought they weren't allowed to be Mormon?" questioned BYU student Jeff Nash.
“He’s a Democrat? I thought they weren’t allowed to be Mormon?” questioned BYU student Jeff Nash.

One popular, if not more far-fetched prediction has been U.S. Senator Harry Reid. “That would be a great message to send to all those apostate Democrats still in the church,” says BYU professor Greg Lee, “but I just can’t see the Church getting involved in politics, except of course for all those times it does.”

"I think the only way he will be able to avoid excommunication is by joining the Utah Jazz," said avid Jazz fan David Getty.
“I think the only way he will be able to avoid excommunication is by joining the Utah Jazz,” said avid Jazz fan David Getty.

NBA hopeful Jabari Parker has also been rumored to be a possible candidate for the third member this month to have all their life-saving ordinances permanently negated as revenge for neither serving the mission required of all young men, as well as the more heinous offense – not choosing to play basketball for BYU. But as a potential #1 overall NBA draft pick, sources say the Church cannot afford to lose the publicity that would come with having a  Mormon NBA All-Star, especially after Jimmer didn’t really work out.

"He's cute, but now that David Archuleta is back, we can give Kirby the boot," said an unnamed teenager
“He’s cute, but now that David Archuleta is back, we can give Kirby the boot,” said the unnamed source.

“If you ask me, though, the smart money is on Kirby Heyborne,” says a source close to the situation who wishes to remain anonymous. “He hasn’t been funny since ‘The RM,’ he’s been advertising for beer, and frankly that Wendy’s commercial just rubbed Elder Packer the wrong way. He’s definitely giving young people the wrong idea about dating. All they need is evidence that he publicly questioned the Church at least once, but at this point, I think they’d settle for a crisis of faith recorded in his journal.”

 

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  • lbenyo79

    No…just…no..

  • dba.brotherp

    I, for one, hope they ex the “primary voice.” Treat me like an adult gosh darnnit! (unless I’m a woman, then it’s ok to treat me like a child)

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  • pennydime

    Kirby Heybourne was excommunicated years ago, as an AP in the Dominican Republic Santo Domingo East Mission in 1997 because of widespread apostasy in the mission. That history is infamous info according to missionaries serving there. So if it happened again it’d be the second time, wouldn’t that be fun for your stories?