LDS Church Begins New “Not Even Once” Anti-Beard Campaign

SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold political move, the LDS Church began the new anti-beard campaign “Not Even Once” to distance itself from the unrighteousness that comes with facial hair.

beard2
Recent studies show that 53% of men with facial hair, especially beards, stop coming to church when the facial hair grows to a noticeable length.
beard1
Those with beards are 67% less righteous than their clean-shaven counterparts, according to a recent study by BYU.

 

In conjunction with this ad campaign, Deseret Book is offering “The Not Even Once Club” at a special discount price.

  • dba.brotherp

    It saddens me that the men of the church are addicted to beards. I recently heard that Utah leads the nation in subscriptions to “Beard Aficionado” magazine. Some may justify their addiction by saying beards are “natural” that “no one is getting hurt” or that I only grow “soft” beards and not “hard” beards. However, once you grow a beard you don’t know what future happiness will be forfeited. Remember the story that was told in General Conference about the young woman who refused to marry a young man because, in the past, the young man had a beard? Sin has consequences!

    • Arcadia Recovery Center

      Josiah 29:12
      “Now it is better that a man should be judged of God than of man, for the judgments of God are always just, but the judgments of man are not always just.”

      • dba.brotherp

        That verse only applies to those who make unrighteous judgements. I can assure you that I am filled with the spirit and my judgements are righteous.

      • Kimberly Diener

        This is satire..this isn’t true

        • Mimsob

          I am 100% sure that he knows it’s satire. So sure.

    • Louie Kiskowski

      You are a lawyer eh, Poe’s law expert level!

    • garrettgibbons

      I’m worried that some innocent passer-by on the internet will read this hilarious satire article and this brilliant satire comment and think that it’s all true.

      • Michaelak

        Lets hope NOT!! I will be in trouble. I posted earlier that I will shave my beard off..” when I hear it in General Conference.. and from our Prophet Thomas S. Monson”.

        • Dave

          I don’t know as I would even do it then… I know this is kinda controversial, and I don’t mean it to be, but… i LOVE President Monson… I truly do… but when/if the rubber meets the road… I follow Christ… not just a prophet.

      • doug

        My mouth was wide open and my mind was screaming obscenities because until I read your comment I thought it was all true.

      • Nicole N Dallas Brown

        Ha Ha….was reading this and look who was one of the first comments on the page…..Great happenstance.

      • Dave

        I (As a mormon with a beard) Had never heard of this website before… I thought it was true… scared the tar out of me… (because even the stance LDS people, BYU and the like have on beards as it is… is completely unscriptural…)

        It freaked me out… till I put 2 and 2 together and figured this was just a mormon counter part to “The Onion”

        then it became kinda funny.

    • William C. Searcy

      Please tell me you are joking! Having a beard is sinful? I guess Jesus is going to hell.

    • disqus_g9l0Pxie0l

      Um… “Those with beards are 67% less righteous than their clean-shaven counterparts, according to a recent study by BYU.” ? While there is no source to back up this “research”, the LDS church does not say anything about a Not Even Once campaign on lds.org, or maybe I’d have no choice but to believe it blindly because The Church said so. The current Standards of Dress and Grooming for the LDS church was published in 1971, when beards were “In the minds of most people at this time, the beard and long hair are associated with protest, revolution, and rebellion against authority. They are also symbols of the hippie and drug culture. Persons who wear beards or long hair, whether they desire it or not, may identify themselves with or emulate and honor the drug culture or the extreme practices of those who have made slovenly appearance a badge of protest and dissent. In addition, unkemptness—which is often (though not always) associated with beards and long hair—is a mark of indifference toward the best in life. As Elder Sterling W. Sill has observed:” https://www.lds.org/new-era/1971/12/standards-of-dress-and-grooming?lang=eng (You got me for a minute.) Yes, it’s probably time for the LDS church to actually update their documentation. Their latest publication is for youth and doesn’t mention beards. I still do not see the LDS church asking people to shave as a problem, if they mandate it, I’d loose some respect… (This argument against or for the beard can go both ways. If you believe in a creator, and the creator gave you a beard that naturally grows, even if you don’t love what you were given, why would you choose to separate yourself from what your creator has given you? And if you choose to have a beard, how and why would you groom it? (If you go to BYU, not having a beard is in the dress code, i’d suggest you stick to that dress code. There is a way around this no beards dress code. https://honorcode.byu.edu/content/obtaining-a-beard-card) ) Pictures of your immaculate LDS Beards are welcome, start sharing this post along with the best picture of your beard.

      • garrettgibbons

        This whole article is satire.

  • rcoxone

    This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. How about you stop judging people and leave that up to the lord. I’m pretty sure our savior had a beard. I guess we were saved by a sinner? These are the things that make people not believe in the church!!

    • JCasp

      …This is a satire.

      • Kevin

        It is. But it’s not.

    • dba.brotherp

      rcoxone,

      Did Joseph Smith, Adam, or Thomas S Monson have a beard? No, they did not! Why would the lord have a beard if the prophets did not have beards? I am afraid you have fallen victim to the cunning lies of the adversary. The truth never changes!

      • Arcadia Recovery Center

        Ha Ha this guy is comparing himself to God! What a riot!

        • Dane111

          …sattire. Meaning a joke. This isn’t serious. At all.

      • Dougout89

        I think you missed the point of why you go to church.

        • Dane111

          I think you missed the point if this satirical article. It’s a joke. Not real

          • Amanda

            Is it really a joke? I sure hope so because… Really?? A beard?!

      • db

        Uhm. Pretty sure Adam had a beard you really have nothing to state he didn’t. Joseph Smith definitely had a beard throughout his life. He was in prisons without toiletries or niceties of any kind. As for President Monson I’m sure he’s had at least one beard in his life regardless these men we KNOW have
        God (the father of all creation)
        Jesus Christ (his son)
        Noah (the archetype of baptism)
        Abraham (father of the 12 tribes)
        Moses (the archetype of Christ)
        John (the Baptist)
        The twelve apostles (the original)
        Except maybe Judas (the betrayer)
        He has never been portrayed with a
        beard. to my knowledge.
        The prophet of the restoration and at least half of the prophets since.

        Incidentally I’ve never seen the adversary depicted with a beard either I guess it’s simply too hot/ cold in hell depending on how you view it…

        Also as a point of note the no beard as a clean appearance thing began with our current age of time. In previous times beards were a symbol of your inner devotion to God. A well kempt beard was a man who devoted himself to an orderly temple and an unruly beard was a disparaging soul.

        The removal of beards therefore is a tool of the adversary to prevent brethren from identifying who may be in need of help. To isolate devide and eventually destroy the brotherhood and priesthood respectively.

        Ok so maybe the last part was made up but so is all of this ;p enjoy the trolling

        • dba.brotherp

          What you are talking about is “artistic license.” This is when an artist manipulates an image in order to get across a message. It is kind of like when the church shows the prophet translating the Book of Mormon by candle light with a studious thought upon his face. When in actuality, the Book of Mormon was translated by looking a stone in a hat. Both version are correct, it’s just that one version is more correct than the other.

          • Why

            Also like when they show Moroni with steel weapons and metal armor

          • dba.brotherp

            yes, that is a good example

          • db

            Are you saying that both the big ball of yellow with sunglasses and a smiley face is equally as right as the flaming ball of hydrogen fusion 100000000 times the size of earth? We can do that??

          • dba.brotherp

            yes we can

        • Why

          Don’t forget Deborah from the book of judges, described as a prophetess. Back then no NAIR or hair removing products so many women undoubtedly had beards too even the prophetess Deborah.

          • db

            Women grow beards??? Interesting…

          • garrettgibbons

            Deborah was surely bearded.

      • Gerald

        How do you know Adam did not have a beard???

        Please prove this if you can…

        How many of the pseudo prophets of the Mormon Cult have beards???

        • dba.brotherp

          Well spawn of satan, since Mormon prophets are true and the church is not a cult, I would have to answer… none!

          • Gerald

            If they are not pseudo prophets then why does things they say and clam to have came from God(s) change like most recently…

            Why blacks could not hold the priesthood as proclaimed by Brigham Young to be from{the word of God(s)} …

            If he prophet then did God(s) mis inform him???

            Why was the revelation required by Spencer W. Kimball to end this racism and was only what Brigham Young had said???

            See the face of the value of your prophets is clearly full of holes and lies this is only one example if you would like more please just ask ???

            If your prophets are not pseudo prophets then why was your Temple Rites plagiarized from the Freemasons rather than handed down from God(s) via your prophets????

            Even symbols in the Mormon Temples were plagiarized why was this that your God(s) did not pass true symbols and Rites to your pseudo prophets rather having your pseudo prophets to steal them from others ????

            Yes this list goes on and on and on and on and on and proves without question that all the Mormon Prophets are nothing more than great con artists and pseudo prophets……

          • Why

            The church came out with a statement saying that there never was a revelation banning blacks from the priesthood, it was just a result of Brigham young being racist. No one said prophets are perfect.

          • Gerald

            Then why was a revelation required to allow them to start holding the priesthood???

            Please an effort to cover one lie with another lie will always fail…

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1978_Revelation_on_Priesthood

          • Why

            If you actually read the church statement you would know the president at the time asked for a revelation because the tradition had been in place for so long. Any more stupid answers?

          • Gerald

            Also why was the Book of Nephi changed so the blacks could hold the priesthood and why was the racist doctrine in the book of Abraham left intact???

            See keep pouring out the lies and one day you will run full circle back to the truth…

            But nice try to get out of the lie…

          • Why

            I have provided An official source for why a revelation was deemed necessary to remove the ban despite no revelation instituting the ban. You seem to have no rebuttal so you change topics. Do you have any sources for the changes in the book of Nephi? R u talking about white and delightsome changing to pure and delightsome?

          • Gerald

            Yes that official source is just a cover up for the truth as I lived in that era and know what was said and what happened then…

            While you are using that “official source” try studying the history of it and you can even use Mormon Doctrine and History in your studies and prove that it is nothing more than a cover up……

          • Why

            I do not know what is sadder, that you are trolling a Mormon satire website just to start arguments or that you are old enough to have been there when the priesthood ban was lifted and still behave like you do.

          • Gerald

            I am 70 plus years old and was there before the ban was lifted and followed the whole unfolding of that ban from the lawsuits filed by Douglas .A. Wallace to the battle over blacks holding the priesthood and the Temples being built in Brazil to the legal actions being taken against Religious ran Schools of higher education in the South and the East and similar questions being raised about BYU and the Mormon Church here here…Note while the question were raised about BYU no suites were ever filed against BYU that I’m aware of…

            So yes you are correct I lived during that era….

            I am also very well versed in Mormon Doctrine if you took Mormon Seminary or attended MTC you very likely had lessons that were written by a member of my family…..

            So if just take time to read and study a bit of history and Mormon Doctrine you to will see the lie……

          • Why

            Shame on you old man you should know better. However this really does explain a lot. I find myself unable to be upset at you as I imagine a cranky old man squinting at his computer screen and getting all worked up about every stupid comment church leaders have made that came back to bite them. I think the biggest thing you need to realize is that church leaders, especially the presidents, have good intentions, but are far from infallibly. They get off base when they attempt speak authoritatively on things that should have 0 bearing on eternal salvation such as race, astronomy, the age and formation of the earth, evolution, archeology basically anything relating to science and people mistake their unenlightened speculation for revelation and get upset when it turns out untrue. LDS mistakenly think anyone in authority at church is infallible and everything they utter is scripture. What you consider a lie and cover up I chalk up to human weakness

          • dba.brotherp

            thank you brother/sister why for taking up the cause

          • Gerald

            You learned name calling in Sunday or was it Priesthood meeting???

          • Kyle Grodkowski

            yeah yeah yeah old man. keep on keeping on. <3.

          • Why

            Looks like Gerald has run out of made up theories.

          • Gerald

            No theories here just cold hard facts…
            What is your problem can’t you handle simple facts???

          • Why

            Cold hard fact: an 80 year old man is trolling a website dedicated to religious satire, wears out his exclamation point key in the process

          • Gerald

            Google Douglas A Wallace and see for yourself…Oh wait I forgot you can’t do such a thing until your puppeteers at Temple Sq. pull strings…

          • jeffersonwasliberal

            So no mormons were smart enough to know racism is evil?

          • garrettgibbons

            They held the priesthood in the time of Joseph Smith – Google Elijah Ables

          • Gerald

            Then that just makes my question more in need of an answer:..

            Then why was the revelation required in 1978 for men of color to hold the priesthood or enter a Mormon Temple and take part in those rites???

            You all keep giving all these things to look up and all they are is an effort to evade my question …

            Still waiting for my answer as you to have failed to answer it now rather than give me a answer you think I should get why don’t you either admit that you can not answer it or the conduct towards the people of color over most the history of Mormon was nothing more than racisain in one of it purest forms…

            Another question just on passing why did take 14 years for the revelation after the passing of the Civil Rights Act and Douglas A wallace keeping the racisain in the Mormon Church a live in the press????

            Looking forward to your answer to this question as well…

          • jeffersonwasliberal

            Then why do mormons hate blacks?

          • Why

            6 A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes. (Old Testament, Proverbs, Proverbs 18)

        • Why

          If u look at the old portraits many simply have neck beards not true beards

          • Gerald

            Neck breads???

      • Yann Suire

        That is a really funny statement … Well I hope this is humor … Because George Adam Smith, Brigham Young, Willford Woodruff and others I might forget … they had a beard, and not a little one !!

      • Amanda

        Thank you rcoxone!! This is the most ridiculous.. Well one of the many most ridiculous things the church has done. And this is why I have never went back!

        • garrettgibbons

          This is satire.

      • jeffersonwasliberal

        Joseph Smith had a beard of tears from the young girls he married.

      • Kevin

        The truth always changes, are you kidding me. The church lies and changes the “truth” all the time.

    • Michaelak

      I’m sure this is a joke or somebody trying to get everybody to shave I do nothing unless it comes out of the prophets mouth if he directs me to shave my beard then I will

  • Arcadia Recovery Center

    John 7:24 “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

    Guess the Lord shouldn’t be listened to anymore.

    • BecomingSuperman

      I love it when people don’t understand what is going on…

    • exmotogo

      but I guess it’s okay to judge people for other things, like being gay or wearing pants to church…

      • dba.brotherp

        Yes, it is okay to love the sinner (not judging) while hating the sin (judging).

      • Kimberly Diener

        this isn’t a real news site…the bunyion is a satirical news

      • Dougout89

        why do people always bring gay into this. Like there is a war on gays or something.

        • Gerald

          Yes there is a war on gays by the Mormon Cult just look at all the TIME MONEY and RESOURCES they have spent on Prop 8 in Calf. Amendment 3 in Utah as well as Hawaii all against gay rights…

          As well as the max effort across the Nation in this same vein….

          Also look at all the MONEY the MORMON Church has spent on fighting against gay rights in the courts as well as the hate and fear mongering towards gays coming from the Mormon pulpit at Temple Sq. in Salt Lake City Utah twice a year…

          Yes the Religious Right Wing Nuts have declared war on gays and the Mormon Church is the spearhead force and the Money behind that war…

          Anymore dumb questions????

          • Why

            This guy probably sitting in his basement with a tin foil hat on

          • Gerald

            For sure!!!

  • BecomingSuperman

    For all of those facial hair lovers, please know that there is still time. For sometime I struggled with “beard or no beard” I would play on the edge with mustaches, goatees, and I even attempted a handlebar at one point. Just to see what it was like…. After sometime I noticed something missing in my life. I was with some friends and I noticed they all seemed to be happy and I couldn’t tell why. Then I realized it, they all were clean shaven! I went home that very night and threw away all my beard trimming equipment, found an old razor, and shaved off those vile hairs. Oh the silky smooth feeling of redemption. If you feel manly, awesome, and/ or like you could survive a zombie apocalypse with only a crowbar you don’t have to stay that way. Shave off your beard and go from looking like a man to a boy in a matter of minutes. Shave brethren, shaving is the answer.

    • dba.brotherp

      Amen my brother! Just this last Sunday, I went to church and apparently I had missed shaving an area on my face. Because of my shaving transgression, the members of my ward could not concentrate and the spirit was grieved and eventually left.

      • Dougout89

        How do you know it was even there in the first place?

    • Dougout89

      what an awful conclusion you came to.

    • Michaelak

      Well I’m trying to walk it in our Saviors footsteps so every picture I’ve seen of our Savior he has a beard that’s my take on it and I’m sticking to it lol

      • Ang Ong

        I’m just curious … do men have to wear the “natural” beard to be legal in meetings, or are you outside acceptance if you use Just For Men Brush-In Color Gel for Mustache & Beard, Ash Brown M-20?? Just want to know where the lines are so I can help my husband stay worthy.

        • Michaelak

          OK Tell your husband I’m sure he is worthy(I hope) that the HIGHLIGHTS!!! will get him?? let me think…..#in the Celestial Kingdom “lets Hope for ALL!! Of US”.

      • Amanda

        EXACTLY MY THOUGHT! Our Lord and Savior, you know that guy Jesus Christ… HE HAD A BEARD! Is this seriously happening?? Wow!

        • Michaelak

          Lets hope NOT!! I will be in trouble. I posted earlier that I will shave my beard off..” when I hear it in General Conference.. and from our Prophet Thomas S. Monson”. LOL

        • Why

          Jesus also drank wine

  • josh

    So… You do realize this is fake right? Lol just read their “about” page.

  • Taylor

    Lol I know right – BunYion is a satirical news source.
    http://universe.byu.edu/2014/02/14/the-bunyion-byus-fake-news-source/

  • Sonia Perez

    So obvious, you started with that colored shirt, which led to a 5o’clock shadow, which led you to apostasy!

    • dba.brotherp

      Very true. Colored shirts start you down the path to serious sin. That is why all my shirts are white (even my none church shirts.) I cannot take any chances that may hinder my eternal progression.

      • Michaelak

        Good for you my brother!! expect I have colored shirts but I don’t wear em to church

        • dba.brotherp

          Thank you my good brother. I am but a humble man who looketh upon the heart.

          • Michaelak

            I hope we all feel that way My HUMBLE BROTHER!! @dba.brotherp

      • rickyw

        Do you think white shirts with colored stripes are ok?

        • dba.brotherp

          Can you be only partly pregnant? Of course not.

        • Michaelak

          THEY SAY!! ALL WHITE in the Celestial Kingdom. Colors will only work if were here on earth and NOT! @ church on Sunday.

          • Strepsi

            I thought we were allowed to wash whites with coloreds since 1978?

          • dba.brotherp

            officially, the answer is yes, but culturally, the answer is no

          • Why

            White by definition is the presence of ALL colors.

    • Dougout89

      Going to church in a leisure suit says at least you’re going to church. The apostasy is your phone and technology. Duh.

      • Michaelak

        I agree!! Only if they “RING” during any meeting. But GREAT for Scripture use in Classes and talks YA!.

    • Michaelak

      LMBO@ Sonia Perez

  • Adibobea9

    The guilty taketh the satirical truth to be hard. If you are offended you should look how to better yourself, otherwise wear your beard in faith…

  • Bryan Beveridge

    One time I forgot to shave for like a week. Needless to say, I became a drug addict , a prostitute and I beat up little kittens. For those who are tempted to grow a beard, dont do it. Its a dark and itchy skinned road

    • Michaelak

      YOUR TO FUNNY!!! Humm NEVER!! had the problem on all 3 does that mean I pass??

  • Jon

    Would this be considered light-minded?

    • Bastiatarian

      No, but some of the outraged comments about this satire piece probably indicate that a lot of people who read it are dull-witted. :)

      • Why

        As a group we LDS have a weak sense of humor

        • dba.brotherp

          You are preaching to the choir.

    • Dave Charbonneau

      That depends. Do you have facial hair?

  • Totie Lyne Anderson

    Has anyone ever looked at a picture of Brigham Young??? Lorenzo Snow??? Wilford Woodruff???? LOL…….

    • dba.brotherp

      Back in those days, facial hair grew more quickly than it does today. So what you are really seeing is a 5 o’clock shadow.

  • ShawnBGood

    Shaving is like telling God “you made a mistake, but I will fix it.”

  • Louie Kiskowski

    Um they stop coming to church because you hate their beards and make everyone feel judged 100% of the time?

  • RussellRightWing

    Hmmm? Should have started with Brigham Young. But it didn’t, I wonder why…says enough for me. And about us as individuals, judging others.

  • Robert McKenzie

    Way to go, guys. Make a satirical newspaper that demeans your church, because PR is so easy to begin with.

  • Guest

    And add to that, Blessed are the bearded for they shall inherit the clean shaven

  • Stuart Landerman

    And add to that, Blessed are the bearded for they shall inherit the clean-shaven

  • Brett

    Didn’t Jesus have a beard?

    • Why

      He also drank wine

      • dba.brotherp

        He drank grape juice. Look it up

        • Why

          the grape juice myth is a lie parents tell their questiony kids. Remember when Noah planted a vinyard, made wine, got drunk, walked around naked(Gen. chapter 9)? Was that just grape juice too? Help stop the lies.

          • dba.brotherp

            My good brother/sister why. The Word of Wisdom (WoW) is an eternal principle. If it was not, why would the WoW be required to enter the temple? Since the WoW is required to enter the temple, it stands to reason that Noah didn’t drink because he was a prophet and a prophet is ordained as such in a temple. And you can’t go to the temple if you don’t follow the WoW. See how simple that was?

          • Why

            Thanks for trolling brotherp, u are not as bad as Getald though

          • dba.brotherp

            No trolling here; I am the keeper of Poe’s law.

  • Scarhead

    This is why you don’t join a cult. Jesus is all you need. Grow a beard please. dba.brotherp? Is that satire? You can’t be serious.

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  • Ang Ong

    Now that my nose has stopped running and tears have stopped streaming … I can say — I bow to your wisdom (and youth) and your very advanced funny bone! :) On, Teb, on!!!

  • cdr

    Yeaa but Jesus also had beard..

  • Anonymous

    Hahaha! This post was funny, and the comments are hilarious!

  • Chase Anthony Speroni

    My wife and my family are good members, we pay our tithing, go to church, have family home evening, read the scriptures, have the missionaries over, participate in Church activities and hold our callings dear to us. I have a beard. My wife likes it, I like it. What harm is being done?

  • Ryan scott

    Didn’t Jesus have a beard

    • Dan

      Yes, and he was a white guy, too.

      • dba.brotherp

        You are half correct. Jesus didn’t have a beard but he is white

  • Pingback: Yes, Mormons Can Be Funny | The Penn Ave Post()

  • Charles Matheson

    how can byu conduct a study of people being with beards, when they dont allow any students or faculty to grow a beard…

    • dba.brotherp

      BYU doesn’t let a so-called “lack of a sample size” get in the way of its research.

  • Pingback: So That’s Why I Quit Going… | Simple Tricks and Nonsense()

  • gregorsam

    Now I know why all these people who come at my doorstep with pamphlets and books and smiling and ever so clean cut faces leave immediately after I open the door.

    I did not know that it was the beard that precluded me from having those lovely conversations.

  • Paul

    That’s why I have only a goatee. Then I only have to go once in a while. Beards keep people away and clean shaven go all the time. Right? So a goatee works perfect for me.

    • dba.brotherp

      Sheep go the heaven and goats go to hell. Why would you want to follow an animal to hell?

  • Benjamin Ambrose Jones

    I’ve chosen to grow my beard for the first time in my life. I started in December. It’s for an audition for Les Mis in the Fall.
    So many people feel that it’s ‘out of character’.. or that somethings ‘wrong’… Now, granted, .. those who know me know it’s not really ‘me’ to grow it because I never have.
    I never really understood the stigma that comes with beards until I got one myself. I love that those who know me ask questions and all but I also notice the downside of those that don’t know me or that don’t know me well. I don’t take offense to the looks or those that seem to avoid me or eye contact etc. I know that once the audition and hopefully the play is done, it’s coming off. I don’t like it and will be glad to have it gone. I personally have never thought anything one way of the other of those that have facial hair in or out of the church.
    I do have to question the intentions of those that intentionally grow thier facial hair, though. Is it just laziness… ? Is it making some sort of statement? .. Is it to be rebellious or individual/independant in some way?
    I suppose that in an organization such as the LDS church that has a social stigma of conformity mixed in with the seperate gospel that is taught, opinions can be generated of what it is to have facial hair and how it relates to gospel teachings, gospel standards, and soforth .
    For me personally, I could see how there could be a possible connection. To say that those that are clean shaven vs those that aren’t being more spiritual or less spirtual… This is a stretch for me to believe. In a place like BYU that has a standard of things higher in a gospel sense then the rest of the outside world, I could see this a possibility. But is the study taking into account those that are and have been raised in the church and then falling away and then growing facial hair or is it just of a general sense of having facial hair and then calculating their righteousness?
    I do believe it’s safe to say that the study is probably flawed in many ways and takes to general of an approach. It would seem that more deciding factors should come into play of having never had to be disciplined by a bishop or council or amount of times.. as well as the true choice of one having facial hair. Also, as I’ve mentioned, convert and also either having fallen away to some degree.

  • Sheryl Spencer

    ROOFLLL, for about 5 seconds I did think this was real, and then I was laughing soo hard I knew it couldn’t be. BRILLIANT.

  • Jessica Done

    I hope it really is satire because knowing the men in my family, the will come to church in ridiculous side burns instead. please don’t let this happen. I have wanted to crawl in a hole the last time my brother came to church in a lightning bolt side burn when the bishop asked he shave his beard.

  • Daniel Olguin

    The prophet said we need a food storage. So I grew a beard.

  • Christopher Griswold

    A Mormon-specific Onion website? How did I not know this was a thing?

  • Stephanie

    When are they finally going to address the women in the congregation with facial hair?

    • dba.brotherp

      When they get the priesthood, of course.

  • gmcgraw

    And now, my disheveled brethren, after ye have gotten used to the straight razor and narrow soul patch, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not cut thus far save it were by the mirror and sliced with the shaken can of cream, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to shave.

  • Rutabagaman

    You used to go to the Relief Society Activity every month. But your beard changed that.

  • thebearded1

    I am not a member of LDS but have a very strong faith and a solid background in history. This move is puzzling: how do you believe your own founders (from Joseph Smith to the prophets and apostles of yesteryear) would take to such a brazen and ungodly act? Instead of trying to change men from being true (and biologically correct) men why not concentrate on the real reason a decline may be happening among the men of your church: Relevance. Are you ministering to the needs of men who are overworked, constantly facing elimination from downsizing, deep stress within families where the man must meet the needs of all yet finds himself having to ‘buck up’ all the time? The current leadership’s ban move will absolutely have the opposite effect: men will leave (with their families) in droves, as the church attempts to yet again stifle what a man is by nature and appearance.

    A bit of history from within the walls to refresh the greatly whiskered and revered past of the church’s true men of the faith: http://smallsimple.wordpress.com/2006/11/01/mormon-leaders-and-beards/

    Please rethink this policy; it is ungodly to the core and smacks of the world. Did God create Gillette and Norelco? Most certainly NOT!

  • Chemcat

    hahaha!

  • Chemcat

    ok sorry, had to get it out… I think of the Seinfeld episode. No wonder other nations think we are crazy as we argue for yet another “rights group’ – the facial haired male. I miss old saturday night live from the 1970’s and 80’s, you know, back when there was awesome music and humor? everyone now is so easily offended, hurt and feels like a victim. We have become a society of complainers. Just look at any anti mormon or activists discussion boards. ( I am not talking about REAL victims of abuse, mental illness etc) Please, America bring back our sense of humour!

  • Laron Woods

    I hope this is a joke. I try very hard to live as I should and be faithful. I have serious health problems and am a problematic bleeder. The (my) doctor has warned me that I could quickly bleed to death If I cut myself and don’t get help quickly. I have a full beard because of this. I can’t believe the Church would issue such a directive, and I can’t see BYU wasting time, resourses and/or money conducting a survey such as this.

  • Heather:)

    Absolutely absurd, how about a campaign on not being judgemental. Last time I checked LDS church isn’t god but damn you sure judge lime you are. Its all about fear fear fear I t ruely feel bad for the people you fall go this crap. How about love peace happiness and acceptance since thats what will make your life worth while and enjoyable. Having a beard makes you no less righteous than anyone else but those having a judgemental heart can’t be seen good in God’s eyes.

  • Melissa Rhodes

    Does this apply to women? I have seen some women beards in going around in church. lol me included at times.

  • Daniel Aramburo

    Ones personal conduct has nothing to do with your beard. I shave once in a while. I dont do drugs, fornacate, steal…

  • Dana Merlin Tracy

    What’s good enough for several of the prophets is good enough for me. Until I see the 11th commandment that states: Thou shalt not grow a beard……..then I will use my own discretion!!!!.lol

  • Tyce Jones

    84% of the people who read this will think that the author is serious.

  • CBHarris

    What about goatees? They are like the mullet of facial hair. Righteous on the side, party on the chin.

  • 1yzguy

    …so I shaved my beard and felt more “in tune”, then I shaved my head and felt “glorious” …then I shaved my chest, and back …finally my legs … now as an all smooth man the way a man should be, I feel closer to the spirit and my fellow men. Wait, what?

  • thebunyionsux

    Why would you even joke about the church pissing people off? You must not know what members go though just to hold the lable Mormon. Thanks for making life a little more difficult.

  • regulatorrrs

    We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men as soon as the grow a little beard [as they suppose -Lorenzo Snow] they immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion and do drugs.

  • Kevin

    Why would anyone go to BYU. It’s a terrible school with a stigma on a national level

  • Russ Stevens

    Given the wrongs that have been done by the church leadership to me in the past, I can only conclude the governing body of this study is equally in the wrong. To dictate a man cannot have a beard without wearing a “permission” badge strikes me of another equally bad idea of identification started in the 1930s and ended only with the fall of Nazi Germany. I have referring to the Jews who were forced to wear a Star Of David on their clothing and have a number tattooed on their left forearms. The whole process started with seemingly innocent events which escalated into the holocaust, not I’m seeing the same events transpire at BYU.
    I have heard the argument, “As a church we’re trying to set ourselves above those around us.” The NSDAP said the same thing when they tried to define themselves as “the Master Race” and they spent an incredible amount of money and man hours on their “science”.
    As a Veteran of many conflicts the United States has fought, I have to say I fought against exactly this sort thoughtless bigotry. Granted persecuting Jews for their religious beliefs seems far more serious than a study concerning a man wearing facial hair, the parallel is just too close for my comfort.
    So I’m going to ask these questions. Is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so vain of human beauty that they will not allow a man’s beard to cover it? Should I be concerned about the perceived threat to my manhood? Should I be questioning my membership in a religion that appears to have strayed from the path God set?

  • Randy Hall

    Before I realized it was a joke I thought of my boyhood prophet, George Albert Smith who I wanted emulate. He had a beautiful beard (go tee?).