SALT LAKE CITY — In a shocking declaration made today by LDS mission experts, the Lisbon Portugal mission was awarded ‘The Best Mission in the World.’
“We thought it would be a close call with a few of the Japanese missions,” said Chief Data Commissioner Dallin van Overbeek. “However, with the Lisbon missionaries getting to rub it in the faces of the Brazilian missionaries that they learned Portuguese and went to Europe, it was really no contest.”
Conducted over the course of twenty-four grueling months, the research included quantified elements of linguistic relevance, foreign intrigue, and probability of awesome stories.
“Based on those three elements, we quickly ruled out all U.S. and Canadian missions that were purely English speaking,” reports Van Overbeek. “A few missions in Texas ranked highly and so did that Farsi speaking mission in Canada. However, after we conducted post-mission studies, we discovered that potential mates quickly lost interest when they heard that these missionaries never left North America.”
Overbeek continued, “We also noticed that most mission presidents called to Lisbon were far superior to other presidents. Mission presidents in Portugal are estimated to be 63% more wealthy than all other mission presidents. Returned missionaries from Portugal were similarly determined to exceed the righteousness of other missionaries by 15%.”
Erik Judd, who received his call to Lisbon earlier this month, was ecstatic to hear the news. “I really wanted to get baptisms, but I also didn’t want them to be too easy like my friends in Mexico or South America. When I tell stories of struggle, I really want people to believe me. And Portugal’s in Europe, so they pretty much have to believe me.”
When asked whether only the best and most prepared missionaries went to Lisbon, LDS authorities declined to comment, but Elder Teixeira of the Quorum of the Seventy did wink before saying, “Being righteous never hurt your odds of getting called to Portugal.”