CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Curiosity trudges slowly, tirelessly searching for God’s children, not even stopping for the Sabbath. “But then what?” asked Bob Silivan, president of the Mars Mount Olympus Mission and chairman of Every Rover a Missionary. “Are we supposed to just let these newly found investigators keep living their life, completely ignorant of God’s plan and God’s love for them? That’s not what Christ taught.”
To aid the missionary effort on the red planet, Curiosity is equipped with QR codes that Martians can scan with their smart phones to receive free copies of The Book of Mormon. The rover is also equipped with printed pass-along cards so investigators can call long-distance for more information about the Gospel or can request missionaries to visit their rust deposit or weird rock formation. Unfortunately, because of the weight of the printed cards and expense of rocket fuel, Curiosity’s supplies are very limited. Advanced software allows Curiosity to compute probabilities of whether Martians are just being polite or are genuinely interested, allowing the rover to decide whether to give or to be stingy. Upon finding sincere interest in the restored gospel, Curiosity can even give all four of the missionary discussions.
Curiosity is working to improve his teaching of the gospel. The robot has been critiqued with missing the human element in his lessons. “It sounds forced and dispassionate at his best, and at his worst he nervously starts beeping and acts out his favorite R2-D2 scenes from Star Wars. It really distracts from the Spirit,” said one evaluator.
Indeed, not everything has been smooth sailing. Possibly due to solar flares or a glitch in the programming, problems arose when Curiosity began performing unauthorized baptisms on some apathetic alien microbes. In the end, the rover was unable to find a font of liquid water required for baptism by immersion, and his brief stint in disobedience has since been reprogrammed with repentance and a renewed zeal for spreading the Gospel. President Silivan even hinted towards a possible future leadership position.
“If life is found that is interested in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, then we hope to be there before NASA,” said one church authority. “Elders are fine for breezing through the lessons and handing out pass along cards, but when it comes to really putting the pressure on for baptism, there is nothing like a stone cold robot. The field is ripe and already to harvest. And what a spiritually filling harvest this will be.”