LDS Church Announces Relocation to Missouri after Gay Marriage Legalization

SALT LAKE CITY — “I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord” is no longer just a song title, but now contains the sentiment of thousands of Mormons in Utah as they prepare to make the hard winter trek back east to Jackson County, Missouri, in reaction to the federal judge’s ruling that gay marriage is now legal in Utah.

“The time has come. The apocalypse will happen any minute now. We have gone from hearing Brigham Young say, ‘This is the place’ to everyone screaming, ‘Gays took my place’. Oh how art thou fallen, Utah!” said church representative Nancy Pelosi Smith.

As deliberations continue on how to proceed with the newly conceived declaration, many members are already making the necessary preparations for the trek. Sales for RVs have increased over 300% overnight, yet some members plan to make the journey in handmade carts, following the pioneering spirit that has always characterized Mormons.

Mormons in Utah begin the second exodus, or maybe the fifth...
Mormons in Utah begin the second exodus, or maybe the fifth…


The gay marriage announcement coincided with the discovery of a mega volcano by BYU scientists. “We believe this is no coincidence. The discovery of this volcano can only mean that something terrible will happen here soon. Sodom and Gomorrah will be nothing compared to what will come,” said another church member.

Other members, known as Zionites, were worry-free about the church announcement and planned on staying in what they considered Zion. One member prophesied, “This whole ‘being gay’ thing is just a fad, kinda like the internet; no way will it last much longer.”

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  • William Evertz

    I don’t want to make my own handcart. Is there a place where I can buy one?

    • ECM

      Handcart, Crate & Barrel?

    • Taylor Larsen

      I’d try IKEA. It’s a sort of a do-it-yourself cart, though.

  • richdanny

    OK but where are the damn GA cards. They are like cabbage patch dolls and tickling Elmos. Everywhere I go they give me a blank face and say “I think we’re sold out”. Its Christmas eve and on our Christmas day Agenda, we have GA playing cards from 10:15-11:00 followed by joyful singing for 15 minutes and then the nativity scene play. You should all get sticky ribbon candy at the bottoms of all your socks.

  • dba.brotherp

    Doesn’t Mormon hunting season run from Jan 1st through Dec 31st in Missouri?

  • Joyce M Hughes

    If the news representative would CORRECTLY identify the True LDS Church, (The Reorganized Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) there would not be the mass confusion that this article seems designed to create. We are NOT members of the Zionites. They removed themselves from the true church and do not speak for us. Only when our Prophet tells us it is time to move will we move, and that has not happened yet, so don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers.

    • John

      This is the BunYion, Joyce… the BunYion. Goodness.

  • This makes sense, since Missouri was the first home of the American wine industry (the Vineyard of Eden). The only downside to Missouri is that the Gateway Arch isn’t as pretty as the Delicate Arch. Enjoy your trek, as you will henceforth be known as Trekkies.

  • K. R. Pollock

    … and then Missouri passes gay marriage.

    Run out of this state too, I guess. :'(