PROVO—With finals just days away, many testing center employees are sure to spread their holiday cheer by giving athletes preferential treatment on their tests.
“We’re doing everything we can to make sure that the athletes who represent our school receive all the extra help they can get,” said employee Ashley Williams. “If they need to use a computer to look at all of their notes through the semester, a tape recorder to listen to recorded lectures, the Wi-Fi code for quick access to Google, literally anything we can do to make sure those athletes get preferential treatment over all other students during their tests.”
The University has released a statement which reads, “While student athletes have long held a distinct social advantage over their peers, BYU is proud to be an institution which extends those privileges to include preferential academic treatment.”
“After getting a free college education, free housing, and free meals, and willing hordes of potential spouses, they could use some more help from the testing center to pass those tests,” said freshman Will Saunders. “Can you imagine if someone like Matt Carlino or Taysom Hill failed a final? We wouldn’t want the faces of the Lord’s university to disappoint us now, would we?”
“Those guys really need it though. They probably left high school with a 2.5 GPA and a 19 on the ACT,” said Aaron Pope, a junior studying Economics. “With all their games, practices, and effortless dating, they’ve got a very busy schedule and hardly have time to go to class. Heck, if they needed to phone a friend for some help or take a quick look at my answer key, they deserve it.”
Student athletes, especially those key to team success, will be given preferential treatment all throughout finals week, from the 16th until the 20th of December.