Desperate Student Constructs Meth Lab to Pay for Staggering Textbook Fees

PROVO — Flynn Redman, a pre-medical student and Chemistry 106 teaching assistant, is still on the run after a meth lab was found in his bedroom last Saturday.

“Mom and Pop told me they could help out with my housing, and I’ve got some student loans to help out with tuition,” Redman said. “But come on! 220 bones for the ‘new’ edition of Kearl’s Economics 110 textbook? There’s no way my measly chemistry TA job would pay for that. The ox of my education was in the mire of greedy textbook companies.”

Taking his misunderstanding of Jesus’ teachings as well as his impressive chemistry skills, Flynn began cooking and distributing methamphetamine from his Riviera apartment.

“I actually got the idea from a TV show my roommates used to watch. I don’t remember what it was called but I remember I thought it was way too violent,” said Flynn. “I liked the chemistry parts though.”

Sources close to the teaching assistant mentioned that Redman often said he needed to do something big in order to stave off the crippling student loan debt coming his way after graduation. “We just thought he meant he was going to donate plasma,” said one of the students. “Not set his carpet on fire while he was spun on some crank.”

A Riviera spokesperson assured worried tenants that management took such flagrant abuse of the BYU Honor Code seriously and would promptly replace the carpet within 2–7 business years.

Needless to say, all of the tenants in Redman's apartment failed the cleaning check
Needless to say, all of the tenants in Redman’s apartment failed their cleaning check.

Provo police reported the Riviera had been on their radar for a while. “About a month ago, the tweakers started talking about some new meth hitting the streets called ‘BYU True Blue,’” remarked Officer Rodriguez. “I don’t know why the meth heads were going crazy over it though — this stuff is the crappiest, lowest quality meth we’ve ever seen. He probably used only Western Family® brand ingredients.”

Although almost everyone in Utah County found the act of cooking and selling meth morally deplorable, they commended his resolve to never work for Vivint.

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  • dba.brotherp

    This poor misguided youth. My sources tell me the reason he was caught is that he failed to give the lord his 10%. Thus the lord smite him with a sore curse. “Verily, verily I say unto you, Essential oils are the key to debt free schooling.” (Omni 1:31)