7 Ways to Obey the Word of Wisdom Better than Everyone Else

  1. Give up bananas as they are never in season in North America. Look disappointed and pray quietly when parents give bananas to their children around you.
  2. Grow your own tobacco. Use it to heal wounds on neighborhood pets, before anyone even has to ask.
  3. Make your own pure wine of the grape; share with others and call it by its full, formal name at all times.
  4. Eschew deodorant, replacing it with a bracing underarm splash of vodka.
  5. Note how fish is not mentioned as an acceptable protein. Lead community rallies against fishing.
  6. Cheer for marathoners with signs noting their sin being the cause of weariness.
  7. Answer all questions with a riddle to emphasize the promise of hidden treasures of knowledge.

You’ll be well on your way to dominating the whole stake in WoW righteousness. For bonus points, match each list item to its verse in D&C 89 and post wherever possible.

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  • dba.brotherp

    Thank you Sister Osborn for these suggestions. Unfortunately, my religion won’t allow me to read such tripe.

  • Jillian Quiros-Madsen

    I wish more people understood, as does the author of this missive and as do I, that God grades on a curve. It isn’t good enough merely to be GOOD. One must be BETTER THAN OTHERS to achieve exaltation.

    • eliana osborn

      There can only be one survivor!

      • Jillian Quiros-Madsen

        only one future God and Goddess, anyway, although I dn’t know that we teach that