SALT LAKE CITY — When prophets exhorted members to have food storage over the past few decades, no one ever thought God would allow the mass quantities of stored grain to go bad.
Every day, throughout the cool, dry basements of Zion, the organic decay of emergency food rations marches a step further toward total nutritional deterioration under the watchful gaze of an omnipotent loving Creator.
“The philosophical implications of a loving God allowing bad things to happen to food storages built on love and faith are extremely troubling,” revealed a Utah member who wished to remain anonymous. “It challenges my concept of a loving Heavenly Father.”
“I’ll buy more wheat, rice, corn, and beans,” the same member continued, “but I just really wish that Heavenly Father and his inspired prophets could have planned this a little better and been a little more frugal about wasting hundreds of pounds of nutritious food. Did they not realize this stuff has a shelf life?”
Hope has not been completely lost among the faithful. There is still time before stored food goes completely bad, but it would be really convenient if the signs of the times would hasten into Armageddon before stocking up season comes around.
Signs of the times may continue to delay. “Maybe God is going to wait till the last second of me placing an order to Emergency Essentials just like when the Lord stopped Abraham’s sacrificing hand from spilling the blood of Isaac. It’s all just a test of faith. But how close is too close?”
Hungry children in Africa were not available to comment about the food expiration.