Testing Center Facing Pressure to Ban Performance-Enhancing Drugs

PROVO — The Brigham Young University Testing Center has come under fire this week after a scandal involving the use of performance-enhancing drugs, or PEDs.

Chance Dipthong, a sophomore from Baltimore, Maryland, finished his Chemistry 105 midterm on Tuesday with the highest score in his class. The legitimacy of his grade, however, was called into question when a classmate discovered that Dipthong had been taking a PED known as Excedrin, a pain reliever containing the controversial substance caffeine.

Chance Dipthong rides his bike to school.
Chance Dipthong rides his bike to school.

While the Testing Center has no current policy on PEDs, students erupted in a wave of criticism on the Testing Center’s Facebook page, claiming that PEDs gave students an unfair advantage and pushed for a ban on their use.

Rebecca Lawlor, a representative from the Testing Center, stated that the organization is taking the criticism seriously. “As an officially licensed testing center, we are equipped for complete drug tests of all students taking exams. Until now, however, we have only administered drug tests to students with beards and those majoring in art.”

The Testing Center is expected to make an official statement on the issue next Tuesday immediately following campus devotional. Until then, precautionary measures are being implemented, including mandatory bag searches and pat downs, looking for any PEDs such as Excedrin, Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew, or excessive amounts of chocolate. Students found to be in possession of these substances will have their test scores displayed with an asterisk on Testing Center screens and may be subject to further Honor Code disciplinary action.

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  • dba.brotherp

    In my college years, I found that the Holy Ghost works better with little caffeine. As Alma said, “O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth with a 64 ounce Mountain Dew and speak with the trump of God…”

    • Taylor Larsen

      Must have been an earlier translation I haven’t read yet…

      • William Evertz

        Must have been the pre-Bloomberg edition. No way you could get a 64-ouncer in New York.