Ex-Mormon Hipsters Still Refuse to Drink Coffee After Leaving the Church

SALT LAKE CITY — A recent study out of the University of Utah shows that a majority Mormon hipsters who leave the Church still choose not to drink coffee.

“When I left the Church I felt it was important to create my own identity”, explains Jeremy Butler. “At first I wanted to drink coffee, but then I realized I’d just be playing into the narrative created and forced upon me by the Church. Instead, I choose to not drink coffee in order to show them who is in control.”

The results were surprising to University of Utah scientists, who hypothesized that Ex-Mormon hipsters would drink coffee in order to be cool and appear different from everyone else, especially in Utah.

Lead researcher, Jason Jones, summed it up by saying: “Ex-Mormon hipster irony has gone a layer deeper than expected. However, it does make some sense. What is more cool than being different by being the same as everyone else?”

Feminist ex-Mormon hipsters are often seen sporting pioneer looks on their blogs, claiming it counterbalances the church’s recent changes in women’s clothing for sister missionaries. Another prominent ex-Mormon hipster blogger shared pictures of his temple tattoo (pictured below).

"The level of irony here is astounding," said Dr. Jones
“The level of irony here is astounding,” said Dr. Jones

CTR ring sales have been on the rise in the ex-Mormon hipster community, but as a family publication, The BunYion is unable to explain why.

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  • Chris Paul

    I went 26 years abstaining from coffee. After leaving the Church I decided to give it a try but didn’t like the taste. The same goes for alcohol (in addition to how it makes me feel). So I remain obedient to that part of the Word of Wisdom. I break the Word of Wisdom regularly however by eating meat every day.

    Is that irony?

    • Taylor Larsen

      These “hipster” people never actually tried it…

    • Kaleb Pueblo

      Meat is alright. It’s the shakers that don’t eat meat.

  • Joseph Archer

    The book of mormon is an obvious plagiarism of “The Late War” a moral novel that Joe Smith would have had easy access too through his schoolteacher father. Figure it out. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithpromotingrumor/2013/10/the-book-of-mormon-and-the-late-war-direct-literary-dependence/

    • William Evertz

      Using the same analysis of the blogger, “The Late War” is an obvious plagiarism of the Bible. Your argument is invalid.

      • Squeebee

        You need to work on your reading comprehension. Both books plagiarize the Bible, the key thing is that when you remove the biblical passages, the two books have a very large amount of overlap, more than can be simply ignored.

        As for the original content, you also need to improve your understanding of the concept of plagiarism, it’s not about taking someone else’s work and simply slapping your name on it, it’s about borrowing excessively (especially when you’re supposed to be translating ancient scripture).

        • William Evertz

          You should revisit that part of the definition of plagiarism where it’s a different author than the source text. The authors are the same for both scriptural texts. Just because you translate or write from dictation doesn’t make you the author. The content is of course similar; He has a tendency to have to repeat himself.

          And who’s not to say that “The Late War” plagiarizes the Book of Mormon? Both were printed in the same period.

          • Squeebee

            Note that I said *when you remove the biblical passages* there’s overlap, so unless you’re saying that The Late War was a divine translation I’m afraid your argument is irrelevant.

            The late war was printed in 1816, the Book of Mormon in 1830. Unless the author of the time machine had a time machine, I think we can eliminate the idea of The Late War plagiarizing the Book of Mormon.

          • William Evertz

            Translated and printed1830. Written and Compiled 400 BC. Nice try.

          • Squeebee

            Wait, are you suggesting that the author of the Late War got his hands on the plates before Joseph Smith did, then translated them from Reformed Egyptian and borrowed from that translation when he wrote The Late War?

          • William Evertz

            Hey, you suggested he had a time machine. The sky’s the limit.

            When you remove the biblical passages and the obvious war comparisons (it’s about the War of 1812 after all, and the blogger even concedes this point) there is hardly anything that could be considered original content by Hunt for the Book of Mormon to plagiarize. If you remove the number of pages of Hunt’s book and the quoted biblical passages in the Book of Mormon, summing a paltry 230+ pages, there is still another 300 pages to go.

            Don’t assume Lucas plagiarized The Empire Strikes Back because someone ripped off his Star Wars.

          • Squeebee

            Just because two books are both about wars doesn’t explain the passages copied almost verbatim. That said, at this point one of us has his fingers in his ears while screaming “LA LA LA LA LA” so good day.

          • William Evertz

            Passages copied nearly verbatim? Have you actually read both books?
            Do your homework. Both are online. Joseph posted the link to the blog. Read the whole thing.
            https://archive.org/details/latewarbetweenun00inhunt
            http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm?lang=eng

          • William Evertz

            For anyone who actually took the time to read this entire thread, here is a link to an excellent refutation of the original study and the blog reference. All authors involved actually mix it up in the comments.
            http://www.mormoninterpreter.com/the-late-war-against-the-book-of-mormon/

      • abogdonov

        The important takeaway is that they both plagiarize the bible badly and in the same way, using nearly identical, biblical sounding, but not at all biblical phrases.

        • William Evertz

          Saying that the Book of Mormon is plagiarizing the Bible because it sounds like the Bible gives credibility to the claim that they have the same author, which is the important takeaway.

  • D. Abernathy

    I’m wondering how many people on this site haven’t yet realized it is satire.

  • Iron E Wood E

    Somebody took “my body is a temple” too literally.