PROVO – Students’ ears were sullied by the sounds of Satan raining down from the bell tower last Friday, after a particularly resentful U of U student managed to hack the tower’s computer system. A bell-heavy arrangement of AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” was heard from the north side of campus for several minutes until the bell tower administration managed to scramble to the tower to silence the wayward bells.
Freshman Lindsay Jensen gave us her account, “I actually saw a hooded figure running from the scene after the bells began to toll. He looked exactly like what I think the devil looks like: facial hair, hideously ugly, hooded in red clothing, but then I realized it was just a U of U student.”
Unsurprisingly, many students were distraught by the serious infraction. “I nearly fainted when I realized what song was playing,” exclaimed an obviously shaken Michelle Crestwood, “I came to BYU to escape the evils of the world, not to have them thrown in my face.”
Some students actually expressed gratitude for the message the bells conveyed to them. “I was starting to get too comfortable with my casual sinning. The prophets tell us how important celestial marriage is, but I’m not married and haven’t been on a date in weeks. The ominous tolling was a real wakeup call to how close the devil is to stealing my soul,” lamented sophomore Samuel Young, who is single. (Ladies.)
One senior just smirked while stroking his 24 hours’ worth of stubble and remarked, “Bout time they played some decent music around here.”
When questioned about what measures would be taken to prevent additional occurrences, Bell Tower administrator Gordon “The Bell Man” Belle remarked, “This is the first time our security system of debilitating guilt has been compromised. We are confident this was an anomaly and the Lord will continue to protect the BYU bell tower if we repent and continue forward with a renewed zeal of righteousness.”
Bunyion staff attempted to reach the red-dressed perpetrator for comment but only managed to get a voicemail greeting of guttural grunts.