BYU Bans Mustaches and Skinny Jeans

PROVO- After the new mission presidents’ seminar in June, the First Presidency toured the BYU campus. During the tour, President Monson said, “Why do these young men wear such tight pants? And why do they grow these hideous mustaches? Both are sure to cause infertility.”

After President Monson’s comment, Honor Code Office officials held emergency sessions to decide the fate of the BYU mustache and skinny jeans.

Student possibly decreases chance to procreate.
Mustache-wearing student decreases chance to procreate.

Upon further investigation, President Monson’s comment was found to be prophetically accurate. Since 2009, hipster mustaches and tight pants have increased by an astounding 154%. During the same time period, student pregnancies (of students or spouses of students) have decreased by 65%.

Figure 1. Graph indicating relationship between bad taste and infertility.
Figure 1. Graph indicating relationship between bad taste* and infertility.

*Not included in graph: results establishing relationship between infertility and listening to obscure music or overall hipsterism.

“We decided to follow the prophet and restrict mustaches and skinny jeans on church campuses,” said Jim Misay, Honor Code Office administrator. “This change is one more step towards our entire campus being translated: the ultimate goal of the Honor Code office.”

The official draft of the new revision was released to the public today:

OFFICIAL DRAFT OF UPDATED BYU HONOR CODE:

Updated Dress and Grooming Standards: Men

…Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting (including disgusting skinny jeans – they kill your future babies.)… If worn, moustaches must be (1) fake, (2) worn for no longer than thirty minutes at a time, and (3) a sign you have no self-respect.  Mustaches may not be grown for any reason including charities, Mario costumes, laziness, or ending bad relationships.

Updated Dress and Grooming Standards: Women

…Women may not have facial hair, excluding eyebrows. Chin hair, mustaches, side-burns, uni-brows must be removed..

 BYU is holding a student information meeting of the proposed changes in 1105 JKB on August 3rd at 6:30 PM (mustaches may not be worn to meeting)

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  • Jessica

    I believe the correct term is hipsterianism

  • Clark

    No Jessica, it is hipstertarianism

  • Marsha

    Yay! No more ugly tight jeans, and unkempt mustaches! Hooray!

  • Holly

    This is too funny

  • But Jeremy on Studio C can wear his mustache until he gets to the Celestial Kingdom. It’s okay on Jeremy. And Iron Man. But just those two.

  • Brenden

    This is a joke right? I’m a convert of 7 years now so I’m not up on everything BYU nor am I interested in it. But an Honor Code including the tightness of ones jeans and whether or not they should have the right to wear their personal preferred facial hair, is completely ridiculous and oppressive. Individuals need to be able to be themselves

    Notice Pres. Monson never suggested this be added to any Honor Code. He just pointed out the obvious—mustaches aren’t cool and neither are skinny pants. I could have told BYU that and it wouldn’t be a prophecy, just an obvious observation

    If this is true, BYU has an rediculous Honor Code as of now IMO

    • Angela Decker

      this is BYU’s version of The Onion… satire…

  • krebscout

    Yes it’s a joke. Thus the title of the website is “the bunyion,” like “The BYU Onion.” “The Onion,” if you’re not familiar with it, is a satirical news website. President Monson never said those things, and they are not a part of the Honor Code.

    However, what’s not a joke is that there IS a beard prohibition in the BYU Honor Code. And many people agree that this is, in fact, completely ridiculous.

  • Bro. Duane Black

    I always wondered where Eric D. Snider went after he was fired from the Daily Herald.

  • unanimous2@yahoo.com

    not funny…better stop this nonsense website of yours!

  • William Evertz

    I heard there was going to be a protest on campus that went something like this: